Bags

My body’s newest party trick is informing me I badly have to shit THE INSTANT I step into the gym. Terrific

@ByJayMorrison Enjoy your time Jay, football is just a game after all

Today would have been our 33rd anniversary. Going to distract myself with some time away with good friends. I’ll be back to Bengals coverage on May 11.

Hey @netflix instead of constantly raising prices to bring more “great” content, maybe stop green lighting every House Whores of Morrow County shows that nobody wants and keep the price down? $30 a month isn’t far off and you’ll lose people there.

@FBIDirectorKash You are protecting pedophiles and every photo of you looks like you’re either holding in an emergency poo or just hit the bong waaaay to hard. Either way you suck and fuck you.

Memo to the fake news - the only time I’ll ever actually be concerned about the hit piece lies you write about me will be when you stop. Keep talking, it means I’m doing exactly what I should be doing. And no amount of BS you write will ever deter this FBI from making America safe again and taking down the criminals you love.

@BredsguardDalen Dumb slop like this is why your PS5 costs $150 more now 6 years after it launched. Totally worth it

These are pretty creative ideas. If you had the money, what would your creation look like?

@Kalshi_Culture The only answer is Teri Bauer, “24”. I threw the remote at the TV as hard as I could.

What is the most unexpected death in a movie or TV series?

Step aside EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony Award winner). Trump is now the ONLY WINNER of BOTH the FIFA Peace Prize and the winner of the "Champion of Beautiful, Clean Coal" award. CHECKMATE LIBERALS.

Jon Stewart responded to MAGA's criticism of Bad Bunny's halftime performance during his monologue on The Daily Show. "When did the right become such fucking pussies? Remember 2017? Remember what you hated about liberals? Perpetually offended, safe spaces, censoring free speech, culture of victimhood. Remind you of anyone? 'Oh, I can't go 15 minutes without listening to country music. I need a separate show.' 'Oh, that skier triggered me. I can't sleep.' Not the best imitation, but you know what I'm going for. "This whole culture war this weekend has really demonstrated one thing. It's that for all of MAGA's triumphalism, it's not a movement that seems confident in its position. These people who control every branch of government are so triggered by someone singing in Spanish for 20 minutes, they need to create their own safe space alternative halftime show, where Trad Bunny over here is singing songs about how he can't even enjoy sitting in a truck and drinking beer because he knows that somewhere out there, there's a trans person. "It's actually fucking pathetic. The gap between the power you all wield and the victimhood you all claim is the real offense. If you didn't actually have the power to do so much damage in our country, I think we all dismiss it as a weak and pathetic pity party. That's what you're throwing."

@Variety Not to be outdone, TPUSA says they officiated a marriage between two first cousins.

@ByJayMorrison Great eulogy Jay & Fam, thanks for sharing. RIP Nicki.

Below is the link to the video. It includes my biggest “thank you” of all for the incredible generosity of two men Bengals fans know well for picking up the entire cost of Nicki’s Celebration of Life. Just an amazing gesture. 4/5 youtube.com/watch?v=LoJFXJ…

@chrispfarrell @chopotle I’d eat there once a week instead of once a quarter if they’d fix their damn portion sizes. I don’t like that there’s a 50/50 chance that I’ll walk out of there infuriated.

Hey @Chopotle, it's not a riddle. 1. WILDLY inconsistent portions. Sometimes you get half a portion and sometimes a double. Your prices are lower than your competition, nobody would object to a $1 price hike if it meant fixing the portion/serving size issue = problem solved. 2. SLOW. The food is already cooked. Scoop, scoop, pass. Somehow the lines still move at a snail's pace. Fix the portion issues and the speed and I guarantee business ticks up significantly. finance.yahoo.com/news/chipotle-…

So now you’ll transparently execute citizens?

@JDVance Seriously JD, go fuck yourself. Daddy has made you as vile as he is, no small feat. I hope this haunts the rest of your miserable, shitty life.

Watch this, as hard as it is. Many of you have been told this law enforcement officer wasn't hit by a car, wasn't being harassed, and murdered an innocent woman. The reality is that his life was endangered and he fired in self defense. x.com/i/status/20096…

@AdamSchefter @ByNateTaylor So stunning and brave of him to play the game he’s paid millions for and contractually obligated to do. How TF is this news?

Despite the Chiefs getting eliminated from the NFL’s postseason last week, Travis Kelce, still plans to play in each of the final three games this season. Story via @ByNateTaylor: espn.com/nfl/story/_/id…

Sixth seed fantasy squads starting Trevor Lawrence and Kyle Pitts

@GrokCertified @AdamSchefter How quick we forget that even when healthy, Watson played poorly. Expensive doesn’t always equal good. But hey good luck with that

Browns designated QB Deshaun Watson for return to practice.

Kash is either super stoned or has to take a huge dump or both

I mean, this orange fuck has wiggled his way out of everything to date (felonies!), so forgive me for being pessimistic about this. He’s bought and paid for all the judges, govt agencies and politicians he needs. I hope I’m wrong but I doubt it.

1 of 2 things is gonna happen w/ the Epstein files. 1. Trump claims victory for “ensuring” passage of today’s bill 🤪, signs it into law but “oh darn I can’t release them, there’s an active investigation”. OR 2. They’re released after his DOJ slaves HEAVILY modify them.

@shoegal0128 @davidhogg111 @AdelitaForAZ Your leader is obese and gross.

@davidhogg111 @AdelitaForAZ Girl needs to use that downtime to get some exercise in or take advantage of the new low Ozempic pricing

Update it’s been 46 days and Republicans are still refusing to swear @AdelitaForAZ in to avoid releasing the Epstein files they ran on releasing.