Johnny Thyroids

My daughter graduated from goldfish class today. Really proud of that stupid fucking bitch! She got expelled 11 times! They kept letting her back in because she was mistaken for another student named Chimpy Google!!!!!

Deceased uncle Bobby is calling you. Pick up now!!! You don’t get calls from Algeria often!

I’m afraid of my sticky cousin Melvin. He made an attempt to eat my car yesterday at goodwill. He also flushed my daughter down the toilet.

Rest in peace to my uncle Birthday Cake. He was a great man who loved to pee on the sofa at grandma Hooky’s mansion

How to eat curtains and suck on upholstery for 9 minutes

Cya later Dora, we love you more than disgusting pieces of dog shit!

Yucky Terrence has secretly arranged for Gary Fingerz to make an appearance

My parents and I have a big surprise planned for my cousin Garfield Cysts Tungsten's birthday and it's nothing short of mucus filled.

I woke up wanting to play hopscotch but I got bitten by three snakes and got diagnosed officially with glaucoma. All in all, the doctor's office isn't so yanked apart!

I bid for Chinese liquids on the web. Looking to increase my ever-growing collection of sharp plastics under great tension.

All I thought that happened was tripping over my own feet at the notary's office. Turns out I pinched someone else's nerves and he shouted at the top of his smacks of 121 gavels!!! Doesn't say!

You had to hold your repulsive fuckin French dead people over your wristwatches I licked 29 people for. Everyone realizes this!

"We all know how to juggle because we were born with conditions that cause our limbs to fall on greek women's journals" says me and everyone who works with me! We don't know who was born on January 59, 1002

Snuck a power washer and several fire hoses into the auditorium where my cousin Porboshio is graduating from kindergarten. Will update.

Accidentally ate a pool table again while trying to iron my curtains. Only thing I'm good at on a pool table.

Jump up and down in the nightmare

Come on guys, stop puking on me!? I am gonna call grandpa to SHART himself

My home economics class is terrible all we do is paint the toilets at the hospital and throw up in 1993!!!!!

Hey guys, my bathroom is expanding by ten inches every two minutes

Let’s all go and barf crap on David’s car. My podcast got cancelled by Spotify for being too loud

In about 11 months you will look at your putrid aunt Skittle with disgust.