Jon of the Shred

Like this tweet if you wish your dinner was from Happy's Humble Burger Farm

Mrs. Humble Heifer, I don't feel so good... That B̶͍̼̟̫̠̥̳̊̏̇̃̓̍̎͝Û̴͈̺̊̒͊͠R̶͚̹̥̄͛͂̏̔Ǧ̸̳̜̦͕̻͇̈́̍̂Ẻ̴̱̟̦͙̕͝͠R̷̳̀͑̍͑̄̃̈́͑͜͝ is kicking in...

I have a morning ritual that I need to share. I call it “Happy Initialization.” The key is that it has to happen before the water is fully warm, otherwise the immersion is compromised. If the water is already comfortable, your brain knows you're just taking a shower. But if the water is slightly too cold, your body interprets it as a system boot sequence. First I crouch down in the shower in the classic Burger Farm mascot emergence posture. Knees bent, feet flat, arms hanging neutrally. Not dramatically. Dramatic arms ruin it. The posture has to be neutral like a costumed corporate mascot that has been powered off for several hours and is now waiting for voltage. The tile floor becomes the Burger Farm basement floor. The shower curtain represents the airlock barrier between the customer-facing restaurant and the containment kitchen. The shampoo bottles are irrelevant but must be oriented label-forward because that is how they would be arranged in a real Burger Farm bathroom for brand consistency. Once crouched, I close my eyes and remain completely still for exactly 45–60 seconds. Not longer than 60 because that begins to feel theatrical. Not shorter than 45 because then it feels rushed. During this time I begin humming the Happy the Humble theme song by Jason Paige. Not loudly. Just a low, monotone humming. Importantly I only hum the opening portion because the rest of the song has too much personality and Happy as an entity should not display enthusiasm during the boot sequence. While humming, I visualize the restaurant powering on in layers. First the fluorescent lights. Then the grills. Then the soda fountain. Then the distant mechanical whirring of whatever Burger Farm uses to manufacture the patties. At this point the water temperature usually reaches its operational range, which is convenient because that is when the mascot activation phase begins. I then slowly rise to a standing position. The rise must take approximately 3 seconds. Faster than that looks like a normal person standing up. Slower than that starts to feel like performance art. As I rise, I open my eyes exactly halfway through the motion. This is important because opening them too early creates the impression that the mascot was conscious during the crouch phase, which contradicts the internal logic of the ritual. When fully upright I stare forward with a neutral expression, like someone who has just been informed that the breakfast menu begins in two minutes and the hash browns are already burning. At this point I whisper: “serve burger… serve fries… serve drink…” Not loudly. Just enough to confirm the system is online. Then the shower begins normally. The only issue with the ritual is the shower curtain interference problem. If the curtain sticks to my leg during the rising phase, it immediately destroys the illusion because instead of feeling like a Burger Farm mascot emerging from a containment chamber while humming a corporate theme song… I instead feel like a naked adult man crouching on bathroom tile while quietly humming Jason Paige and being attacked by static cling plastic. Which is operationally incorrect. Also sometimes the curtain touches the terminator leg specifically, which is the leg that rises first during the boot sequence, and that causes the entire emergence animation to look wrong. I have considered installing a curtain weight system to prevent this but my wife already thinks the crouching is suspicious and I don’t want to escalate the situation unnecessarily. She recently asked why I spend a full minute crouching silently in the shower every morning before standing up and humming. I told her it helps me start the day with the calm mindset of a Burger Farm employee who has just been activated for the morning shift. She said that explanation somehow made it worse.

Easy, they were all holding invisible burgers. But these burgers were infused with ithildin, which is only visible under moonlight

how grill chefs start moving after eating a happy's deluxe with a side of salmon nuggets and a crisp bump cola

Purple Tums taste the best. ifykyk 🍔🍟🥤👀

Jesse...we need to cook

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Little bit of jamming

DLSS 5 be like:

Nice Dekkar medley, but hoping they can still work in an Empty Bottle

@OCATCOfficial Baxter > Cloud > Mel > Sam

Vote for your favorite Dootle Dot at dootledots.com

Already a 5 bagger. Maybe throw in a bag of soda and a pair of angel wings 🍿🍿🍿🍿🍿🥤🪽🪽

@OCATCOfficial Already a 10/10 special

We are pushing show back slightly so that more HEI users can login before Oscar begins and also planning a contingency stream if needed. Apologies as always for Oscar Special tech difficulties 🍿

Hope everyone is ready for the Hobbit to SWEEP. It's what G would have wanted

Are you prepared for tonight's Oscar Special? The show starts at 4PM PST with a countdown beginning at 3:30 PM PST. Get your Ticket or HEI Annual Sub now so that you can sit back and enjoy Movie Magic. Find Oscar Tickets, Bundles, and Annual Subs: heinetwork.tv/the-last-oscar…

GoldenEye 007 (1997)

@PrefEquityPeter x.com/scythedevteam/…

Me after 9 overpriced Guinness at the local Irish pub

@MonstersOfRock Children of Bodom. Headliner was Dimmu Borgir. Believe Hypocrisy and Nevermore was the rest of the lineup. Bodom owned the night, they were completely unknown at the time. Might've been 2003?

☑️