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#BREAKING: Underwater bomb discovered at dam that supplies drinking water to entire city of Mobile, Alabama.

Ever since I was a little boy, I knew I wanted to log into Microsoft Authenticator 47 times a day.

The War Department is once again restoring freedom to our Joint Force. We are discarding the mandatory flu vaccine requirement, effective immediately.

This Straight of Hormuz shit is going to be the hardest AP history exam in 20 years

I remember when the Strait of Hormuz and Walmart used to be opened 24 hours

Christian evangelical pastors would rather say a demon flew up Trump's nose & took over his soul, than admit they were conned by an atheist that mocks their religion.

Red Cross worker distributes snacks and juice to volunteers who just gave blood:

Republican message for the midterms: - The Pope is weak on crime - Gas prices might go up, that's OK - Donald Trump is literally Jesus Christ

“the pope is weak on crime” is a top-5 funniest thing any politician has said ever in history

The Strait of Hormuz Blockade, but we add OUR blockade.

I really feel like workdays should be 10am–3pm or 9am– 2pm. There’s no reason for people to spend most of their lives at work. Let people go home and have time for their families, partners, friends, and rest. That’s why everyone is so miserable today.

Work. Work. Work. Stay hydrated. Go to the dentist. 10,000 steps. “What’s for dinner?” Insurance. Drink water. Pay a bill. Pay a bill. Smile. Credit Score. Check engine light. Go get gas. ALLERGIES! TAXES! STUDENT LOANS! Phone storage full. Email. Email. Apple $12.99. Apple $9.99. Subscriptions. Subscription. Overdraft. Laundry. Fold. Text. Text. Text. Clean the house. “I haven’t seen you in a while.” Doctors appoinment. Hair appoinment. Nail appointment. RENT. WAR! GOVERNMENT! POLITICS! THE PRESIDENT!!

While my thoughts and prayers are with my brother or sister airman who is fighting for their lives right now, waiting for the blessed sight of the SAR operators, I feel the need to caution the experts and media to please STFU! Now is not the time to feed your egos by advertising your indie knowledge. Now is not the time to expand on the tech specs of the aircraft, nor what training we receive as combat aircrew members. There is a bounty on this person's head, and we need to give them EVERY chance to return to us. To the loved ones of those who are deployed. Be proud, but be quiet. You never know who is gathering names, dates, units, etc. Just because things aren't classified doesn't mean they should be spoken of openly. Let's help this brave warfighter return with honor.

Nothing like your first time monitoring the situation

TMZ hunting down members of Congress like the paparazzi is probably the healthiest dose of transparency Washington has seen in decades.

Property of Allah hoodie guy shoots a bunch of people in Austin. ISIS-loving teens throw IEDs at anti-Islam protesters in NYC. An attack on a synagogue in Michigan. And an ISIS-supporting convict shoots up an ROTC classroom in Virginia. This is all within the month of March, btw.

Date idea: I drink three espresso martinis and then you try to catch me

If you have struggled this winter just walk outside. Right now. You need to walk outside right now

Here’s the deal with social media: If you know someone currently deployed: no you don’t If your friend’s dad told you something about their kid: no he didn’t. If your friend contacted you just to chat: nope. Didn’t happen. Everyone on social media wants to have more information than everyone else so they can get engagement. Don’t get people killed for likes.

pretty sure if aliens land it will be on a weekend when markets are closed