Josh Dissmore

Polar Vortex sounds like that old rollercoaster at an amusement park that has no line so they just let you keep riding it and it’s only like half full. #PolarVortex2019

When you’re at an establishment and the friend you’re with sees a friend he knows and introduces you to him and the guy gives you the dead fish handshake paired with a searing stink eye and you realize that he already hates you and everything is meaningless.

That was the greatest American Football game I’ve ever seen. #KCvsLAR #MondayNightFootball

Breaking News: No matter what happens tonight, literally half of the country will be filled with rage tomorrow. In other news, I started listening to Christmas music today. #ElectionNight #MidtermElection2018

Aaron Lazarus Rodgers

You don’t buy the salmon-colored shorts if you think you can pull them off. You buy them if you KNOW you can pull them off. Sigh. Maybe next time, guys. #targetouttahere

At this point, the phrase “from the creators of Lost” is nothing more than a mere factual statement. #yourshowsucks

Luke Skywalker just handed an Oscar to Kobe Bryant. What a time to be alive. #Oscars90 #DearBasketball

Friends and family of American Olympians competing in Pyeongchang: “You did great tomorrow!” #2018Olympics

“Diet starts tomorrow,” the man said. Every Sunday night. For the rest of his life.

The Packers sideline is starting to look like a bad episode of ER. #whatgives #everythingapparently

Tootsie Pop has been running the same ad for nearly 50 years and it still kills EVERY TIME. #tootsiepop #mrowl #wemayneverknow

Well, Martellus Bennett will never have to buy a drink in Green Bay ever again. #SEAvsGB #Packers #thatsmyquarterback

Oh, the humidity! #notsorry #yesiam #butseriously

In hindsight, I'm pretty sure the "bullies" in Karate Kid were actually psychopaths. #missedthatone #deadmeat #thekaratekid

I didn't know Joe Pesci was part owner of the Golden State Warriors. #NBAFinals

If Side 2 of Abbey Road doesn't fix it, it ain't broken.

Gloria Gaynor is the most successful therapist of all time. #thinkaboutit #iwillsurvive

One time a fan gifted me a jar of gummy vitamins but I thought they were regular gummies so I ate em all. My pee glowed like a lightsaber.

You know, sometimes Full House got deep. And when it got deep, it was actually really good television. #davecoulier got range.