Smirk

@DallyDoll Hiiiiiiii

Apparently this still exists...

The best thing about divorce is the pitiful looks I get all day long from everyone around me like I'm about to be taken out behind the shed.

@jehujeni HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Brain: This is a bad idea. You can’t afford it and it’s silly to even consider it. You know this. Heart: YAY LET’S GO DO THE THING!!!

@splendidly_dull It's been a really long time. Figured I'd come check in.

Hi.

Did you know there are people who use Twitter for things besides rewording the same joke a thousand times?

Sometimes I hear that a person has Snapchat and I immediately feel sorry for all the people I know are getting daily dick pics.

I muted everyone I follow and Twitter is the most fun it has ever been.

The real reason The Beatles broke up is that Ringo kept insisting on singing more.

I'm sorry you feel that way is the best way to apologize without actually meaning it at all.

69 is just two people getting half-assed head.

If you didn't want me to treat you with respect, you shouldn't have gone out wearing whatever you want.

The best thing about having 3,000 followers is that I know thousands of people are choosing to ignore me completely.

When someone says they wouldn't trade a memory for anything, a fun thing to do is to remind that that it's not possible to do that.

@SharpeBytes You have cake???

I've got a cupcake for that mouth of yours.

Farmers Markets are a great place to get locally grown fruits and vegetables to throw away in 3 weeks.

@Karpie212 I thought we were playing hide and go seek and I've been hiding under the bed for three months.