Emma Beasley🐝

Me: I dated a real loser in high school. Friend: Do you ever wonder where he is now? Me: He's in the livingroom watching TV.

Honesty has no place in a marriage.

Me: what would you do if I was making you eggs for breakfast and I had a massive heart attack? Him: I guess I'd just have cereal.

My husband is mad at me for planning his murder, but I think he's overreacting. I mean, I asked someone I know and trust to dump his dead body in the woods. It's not like I went out and hired some random hitman.

I had my husband sign a prenuptial agreement so if we ever got divorced, I'd get custody of the couch.

Procrastination is giving yourself the opportunity to dread something longer.

I'm wine, I'm wine. I just had a little bit too much fine.

I've been seeing a psychiatrist for a while now. Even though I know he's not really there.

My husband has really high blood pressure. So, when he's found dead on the kitchen floor, I'm going to leave the murder weapon right on the counter next to the pepper.

I heard about the tomato warning. Tomatoes are nothing to fool around with. Seek shelter.

@_NatalieWould 😂

@JustBeingEmma Counterpoint: Hot & iced tea are coffee's step ugly sisters

Explain this to me: Hot tea? Delicious. Iced tea? Delectable. Luke warm tea? Disgusting.

@Mixonaintshit 🤣

@JustBeingEmma when the molecules all hold hands real tightly its good and when the molecules are all running around really fast its good but when the molecules are all just kind laying around doing nothing, its not good.

@XXLrgPopcorn German potato salad.

@JustBeingEmma What tastes good lukewarm, just in general?

I don't know who needs to hear this, but don't eat greasy food and discuss politics if you're out of Pepcid.

Be the person your dog thinks you are

Why the fuck do they package new scissors up like Fort Knox... they know we're most likely buying them as we can't find our scissors!!!

My husband started drinking hot water because he heard it cured Alzheimer's. Does anybody know what beverage cures gullibility?

The Ropers vs. Ralph Furley Discuss...

Wife: I’m not happy with you swearing. 9yo: Well you swear too! Wife: When? 9yo: You just called dad a jackass like 10 minutes ago. Wife: 9yo: …and this morning you called him a dumbass.