Funny Girl

Full disclosure: I don't actually know the back of my hand all that well.

I go deaf when I'm texting

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

I'm so poor I'm taking a vacation on Google Street View this year.

When you meet me, you think I am quiet. Then you get to know me and just wish I was quiet...

Jealousy is a terrible disease, please get well soon bitch!

By all means, please continue to tell me how the life you created for yourself is so miserable instead of taking actual steps to change it.

I was about to do something awesome again, but I told myself “enough is enough, that’'s plenty of awesome for one day”.

I hate it when I plan my day and nobody follows the script.

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

How to have a flat stomach: 1) Remove all of your organs.

I have a ton of leftover horse. I guess I wasn't as hungry as I thought I was.

My dad just gave me a toilet plunger as a house warming gift. Dads, they're always helping you with shit :)

The spider I tried to kill got away and now I have to move out of my house.

My friend and her husband just got divorced. They split the house. He got the outside.

I just gave my cat a bath. She enjoyed it. It wasn't fun for me though. The fur kept sticking to my tongue.

When advertising your business on the side of your car it's a good idea not to drive like a complete asshole.

Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an "All the stuff you can microwave" aisle.

To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.

You should never wear a fanny pack because it makes you look like you're wearing a fanny pack.