Kalvin

BANK TELLER: to open an account I'll need a first name ME: Robin BT: and a last? ME: Dabanc BT: so ur Robin Dabanc Me: *slowly reveals gun*

Like the rest of the (in)sane people, I went here: bsky.app/profile/kalvin…

The more USB cords you buy the less you own.

Unicorns are cool if you're into horse impostors.

My main goal at Easter is to eat enough mini eggs to make MEGA EGG.

Wife: we need to spend more quality time together Me: *cancels plans with friends* Wife: let's paint the kitchen Me: *reactivates “plans with friends” subscription*

Remember when there was nothing to check and no device to check it on and all you did was live your life?

If you ever want to truly feel alive, wake up your children by playing hot cross buns on the recorder.

ME: are you spying on me? GOOGLE: *not making eye contact* no ME: I feel like I'm being followed GOOGLE: not by me, nope CHROME: *shows ads for surveillance equipment*

Ok, I'll bite. What's a BlueSky and can I get an invite?

Just send me your banking info. I'm not set up to accept credit cards.

If everyone in the world sends me $6 I will buy twitter and put it back to normal.

@KalvinMacleod Anyone who reads your tweets would. Welcome back btw.

One time my cat went an entire hour without puking on a rug so I took him to the vets.

@TheToddWilliams looks ready to throw up on a rug

After posting this tweet I got fired from Twitter.

The easiest way to kill me is to inject poison into a skittle and then leave it on the floor.

My kids are competing about who gets rashes more often, if you want to know what sibling rivalry looks like.

@PugnaciousJones Yuck

@KalvinMacleod This happened to me about a week ago. My kids, bleary-eyed and slack-jawed, staggered out of their rooms and threatened me with conversation.

The internet is out in my neighbourhood so my family hates me.