M. Smith

His face looks like the best chair: So there’s this really hot kid in my creative writing class. And everyone knows I like him. But one day, he walked in looking like a freaking GQ model, and I accidentally out loud whispered “Shit, his face looks like the best chair” and the girl who sits in front of me turned around and said “WTH, that’s freaky and gross” and she moved her seat. She gives me weird looks every time she sees me now.

Skull lover: So I was sitting at a lecture when I feel like being stared at, and in the corner of my eye I see this really handsome guy, who’s literally just staring at me. I don’t think much of it and continue to listen to the professor. After the lecture the guy comes up to me, and lays his hand on head and I’m like “eeeehm, what are you doing” and he stares me dead in the eyes and says “I’ve never seen such a gorgeous skull” and then he turns around and leaves.

Radio Broken A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an Old Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow rain.” The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.” The next day there was a hailstorm. “This Indian is incredible,” said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn’t show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. “I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the director, “and I’m depending on you. What will the weather be like?” The Indian shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t know,” he said. “Radio is broken.”

Boat troubles During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried. After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem. Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

He drew it all himself Teacher: Who helped you to draw this map, Jack? Jack: Nobody, sir. Teacher: Didn’t your brother help you? Jack: No, sir. He drew it all himseil.

Amusing Married Men Only Story Will and Guy have no information as to the veracity about this funny tale from the USA. Apparently in a small town somewhere in the USA there is a large factory that will only recruit married men. One of the local women, one Brenda Davy, a feisty young lady, was angry about this and demanded to speak to the manager to find out why. Brenda demanded to know, 'Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous.......or what?' 'Not at all, Ma'am,' the Factory Manager replied. 'It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them.'

Lunch There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy, who were construction workers working on top of a building. It was lunch time and the Irishman opened his lunch pail, finding cabbage and beef. "If I get one more beef and cabbage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building," he says. Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and finds a burrito. "If I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building," he says. The blond man opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich. "If I get one more bologna sandwich I'm gonna jump off of this building." The next day the Irishman opened his lunch pail and found cabbage and beef, so he jumped off the building to his death. Next, the Mexican opened his lunch pail, and upon finding a burrito he jumped off as well. Finally, the blond guy opened his lunch pail and found a bologna sandwich. He too jumped off the building. The next day at their funeral the Irishman's wife said, "If only I knew that he didn't like cabbage and beef, I would surely have packed him something else." The Mexican's wife said, "If only I knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else." Finally, the blonde man's wife spoke. "I don't know what his problem was. He packed his own lunch."

6. A Cow Grazing Artist : "That, sir, is a cow grazing" Visitor : "Where is the grass ?" Artist : "The cow has eaten it" Visitor : "But where is the cow ?" Artist : "You don't suppose she'd be fool enough to stay there after she'd eaten all the grass, do you ?" 7. Let's Work Together "Can you tell me how to get to the post office ?" "That's just where I want to go. Let's work together. You go south, and I'll go north, and we'll report progress every time we meet"

FUNNY SIGNS Sign over a gynaecologist's office "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." At a military hospital door to endoscopy: "To expedite your visit, please back in" On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On the trucks of a local plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive. Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary.We hear you coming." In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes.Sit! Stay!" At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up." In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully.We'll wait" At a propane filling station: "Tank heaven for little grills.

SHE DISGUISED HERSELF TO JOINT THE ARMY One evening during a poker game, a man was bragging to his friends about how his sister disguised herself as a man and was able to join the army. "But, wait a minute," said one listener. "Your sister will have to dress with the boys and shower with them, too. Won't she?" "Sure," replied the man. "Well, won't they find out?" asked another poker player. The first man shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Sure. But who is gonna tell?"

THE POLITICIANS AND A FARMER A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

THE PREACHER’S LAST REQUEST An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled. The preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the banker asked, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

PRIEST AND THE DOORBELL A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the doorbell is just out of his reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" The boy turns and yells, "NOW WE RUN!"

UGLY BABY A woman gets on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

The doctor asked the expectant father to try out a machine he had invented that transferred labour pains from the mother to the father. Billy agreed and the machine was set up. But although it was set to its highest setting, Billy felt not a twinge. Later that day he went home to pick up a few items his wife wanted and discovered the milkman lying on his door step groaning in pain.

Two campers are going through the woods when a black bear suddenly appears in the clearing in front of them about fifty meter. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear. ""I don’t need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

The most beautiful thing about learning is that no one takes that away from you.

Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together. – Woodrow Wilson

Where there is a will, there is a way. – Pauline Kael

The Motivational Potato (Part 2):Why did the potato become a life coach? It wanted to inspire others to dig deep and unearth their true potential!