evie
28 posts
3 months ago I was in one of the worst mental states of my life.
Becoming one of the biggest League streamers wasn’t something I achieved by being a pro player, or by having strong connections within the scene.
It was something I achieved by, in part, saying crazy things and giving unhinged takes;
By turning myself into a meme.
While this may not seem like an issue to most, it did have one unintended side effect.
People formed the image of me as a personality, and refused to consider me as more than that.
Instead of being respected for my achievements (multi region challenger, best hecarim world, etc…), I was instead mocked for the things I’d say/do online.
Being mocked and laughed at/with for the things I say isn’t the thing I have an issue with;
Discrediting my level of skill as a player because I refuse to be another brick in the wall, on the other hand, is.
For many months I was in a constant state of mental war because it felt like I had everything a man could ask for;
Money,
Fame,
Friends,
Success.
All but one.
Respect.
And so, I’d always chase after the one thing I didn’t have.
Respect.
This was the root cause of all my downfalls,
All my conflicts, internal and external,
All my grievances.
Why have I had many self destructive cycles, some spanning months at a time, in which I’d destroy my physical and mental health in the pursuit Rank 1?
Now you know the answer.
I’ve lost friendships,
I’ve lost tens of thousands,
I’ve lost career opportunities,
And, most importantly,
I lost myself.
Again, and again, and again.
All in the name of that one word.
That one fucking word.
Respect.
Why am I telling you this?
Because of my opening sentence.
The first line that prompted you to click on this tweet.
“ 3 months ago I was in one of the worst mental states of my life “
What would prompt a 21 year old man with, from an outsider perspective, everything a man could ask for, to be in one of the worst mental states of his life?
I’ll tell you.
In July I saw an opportunity.
An opportunity to finally, once and for all, gain respect.
Not just respect from my core community,
Not just respect from my friends,
But respect from everyone as a whole.
Two words would change everything for me.
Two words would do for me what Challenger NA and Challenger EUW never could.
Two words would finally, once and for all, secure me the title of Best Hecarim World, giving me the respect I felt I was owed.
Two words.
Challenger Korea.
When I hit Challenger NA they said it was a bad region.
When I hit Challenger EUW they said Hecarim was overpowered
But if I hit Challenger Korea? The most competitive region of all?
What would they say then?
What would they say then.
And so, I went to Korea.
No, I didn’t go to Korea.
I Dominated Korea.
300 games in 10 days.
30 games a day.
Playing out of my mind.
Playing 20 hours a day.
Playing with a Purpose.
The Purpose.
The purpose to gain respect.
And I did.
In front of 23,000 people I fucking did.
But then, something happened.
The second I saw the promotion screen,
The thousands of congratulatory messages,
The wonderment and awe of all the people who never thought I could do it,
I came to a realization.
A realization that still haunts me to this day.
The realization that I felt nothing.
Where a deep burning feeling of accomplishment SHOULDVE been burnt into my mind;
Instead there burnt a different message,
A different thought.
Instead of feeling happy and complacent with what I had managed to accomplish, I felt something else.
Seeing myself play against the best Korea had to offer and being able to not just hold my own, but destroy them, left me with a hunger.
It wasn’t about just hitting Challenger anymore, it was now about so much more than that.
It was about showing everyone what I was really capable of.
It was about showing myself what I was really capable of.
A thirst for more.
“I’m not done.”
And so I queued again.
.
Three days later I was banned.
And every account I played on after was subsequently banned.
At first I played into it.
I viewed it as the potential for a new twist, and took inspiration from Sisyphus.
I started new account after new account with one thought in mind;
It doesn’t end here.
But one man can only take so much, and after I woke up to my 5th ban, I lost it.
I lost myself.
I couldn’t cope with the reality that I wouldn’t be able to see how good I really was, and it destroyed me from the inside.
I spent my last week in Korea drinking every night.
I didn’t stream,
I didn’t film content,
I didn’t want to show my face.
The only thing I wanted to do was escape, and escape is what I did.
But my escape wasn’t found in the gym or in a book,
It was found in a bottle of alcohol.
The cruelest twist of all?
Riot Korea unbanned my main account a day before my flight home.
Some called it Fate,
I called it something else.
Something infinitely more fitting.
The perfect setup for a Revenge Arc.
I flew home, and spent the next few months preparing.
Getting coached by high level junglers, expanding my champ pool, flying to EUW to play on a harder region;
But then something happened that I thought never would.
What happens when you take a boy who never felt like he was enough, and you have him meet a girl who gazes into his eyes and makes him feel like he is?
He falls in love.
And not just the kind of love where you want to make the other person feel loved,
But the kind of love that makes you want to love yourself.
The kind of love I’ve never experienced.
“I am enough”
For those that are worried for me, don’t be.
I’ve gotten to the point that I’m at in my life not through self love, but through self hatred.
Through hating what I am and wanting to be more.
And that’s why I know that Korea will be different this time around.
Because for the first time in my life it isn’t about hating who I am and trying to run from it.
It’s about embracing what I am and wanting to grow into something more.
For years now I’ve said that I have the capability to hit Rank 1 if I got my mental in check.
What if, all along, it wasn’t about feeling like I wasn’t enough?
But instead, feeling like I am.
I am worthy.
I am ready.
I am enough.
“Never enough” implies that I view myself as the physical representations and characteristics that make me up as a person
“I am enough” implies that I view myself as the force of determination and will that propels me every day towards chasing my dreams.
I am not my body.
I am my spirit.
I am enough.
And for that,
For helping me come to this realization;
Thank you, Laura.
.
As you read this tweet, know that I’ve just spent 12 hours in a plane.
And in a few hours I’ll be live, for the first time, once again.
In Korea.
There’s a reason why I’m going to Korea now.
When all the worlds players are there,
When all the best solo queue players are traveling there,
When the competition is the fiercest it’s ever been.
Because now it’s time to see what I’m truly capable of.
Once and for all.
And it’s for this reason that I’m doing a subathon,
And not just any subathon,
A Rank 1 capped subathon.
Because I know something that the other players don’t.
And it isn’t a new build,
It isn’t a broken pick,
It’s something far simpler than that.
That I am enough.
I’ll see you all soon.
English
Losing the tournament 0-3 today was a much needed wake up call.
Today, I let down my team.
My viewers,
And my friend.
Never again.
Tomorrow, I drop my ego and start taking improvement seriously again.
Tonight, though?
I stare at my wall for hours until I pass out.
English
@rennyyhehe @420WeabooSlayer “why are u still replying to my tweets fan behaviour”
English
This plat 2 chick sent me a pic of her watchin the stream askin for mod, do we give her mod yes or no? Plat 2 tho 🤮
English
