LaytesAgain

A candy necklace but you’re 49 and it’s Tums.

Subtitles are the best when YOUR SPOUSE IS LOUDLY SNACKING CAN WE TURN THE SUBTITLES UP?!?!? What do you mean ? I MEAN THEY ARENT LOUD ENOUGH!! ISNT THAT CRAZY? THAT I WANT THE SUBTITLES TURNED UP HAHA CRAZY!

The way life is going, I don’t mind losing an hour. Hell, go ahead and take a couple years while you’re at it.

There is nothing like a gin buzz

My last 437 lol’s have been complete bullshit.

@bb_apes Is that a northeast wind blowing ?

i asked this man if he still would have approached me at the bar had i looked like this and he said no

Twitter: Y’all didn’t tell me this Harris Teeter grocery store bar was LIT!! The Bar:

I can’t get an erection unless the Dow closes above 50,000.

“For real though bruh like what happened to the milk man?” — My 18 year old daughter, whom I love

Jesus gathered his disciples and said “Make apps for me, and market them most heavily during lent”.

Who turned the heat off? #GoodNeighbor #HaveAGoodOne #Heating #ColdWeather

@EddieAlfano Brilliant as always. I would like to see more of the dog !

Husband: can I vent about my mom Me, pours drink, eyes tear up: I thought you’d never ask

@deloisivete @Dad_At_Law ❤️

@EddieAlfano I will take it under constant consideration

@LaytesAgain I think adding something like, "every single day" before the "for years" would have helped this. But still very good!!!

I’ve been thinking about the definition of insanity for years.

If this is the last social media app you check and not the first, please unfollow thank you.

If my toenails get any longer I’m gonna try out for America’s Got Talons.

I already know I can’t sleep later

My college kid’s love language is “Can you text me the Amazon code?”

*Bats eyes* “No, YOU’RE insufferable!”