LexEngland

#LongIsland Iced Tea: Gin, Tequila, Vodka, Rum, Triple Sec, Splash of Cola. #NewJersey Iced Tea: Wash your dishes, don’t drain the sink, add Orangina, Orbits, Georgi Vodka, serve warm.

Big Justational Rizzabetes

Hey @Walmart the fact that your employees literally pick up the phone and hang it up to avoid customers is pathetic and unacceptable.

I demand to see the Costo Guys’ blood work.

Ever take your socks off and put them back on so it feels like new socks?

They’re gonna put #PeteRose in the Hall Of Fame posthumously for good publicity and the poor guy will have never known and it’ll be all for nothing.

Whoever invented the Lazy Susan must’ve waited until a family gathering to make a really passive aggressive statement.

I understand saying “criss-cross applesauce” instead of Indian-style. But have we considered whether or not we’re now offending early 90’s rappers who wear their pants backwards?

Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one and when you send me screen shots of other people’s, I’m very confused by it.

I hope there’s a tribute band out there called Death Cab For Uggo’s.

Sleep tight @billiejoe

Bro, we were born after 1979. We don’t use “square footage” as a measurement.

Getting tired of my refrigerator yelling at me for taking too long to pick something.

We hold Taylor Swift in an oddly high regard for a girl who chooses to have bangs.

Is the opposite of “Man Hands”, Lady Fingers?

Benjamin Franklin looks really inconvenienced to be on the $100 bill.

Saying “Is a vibe” is a vibe…. Did I do it right!?

How badly does @mattgaetz want to read to kids at the Florida library in a mini skirt? This bad:

Stroke/Seizure Salad, dressing on the left side.

Since Al Gore invented the Internet, should we be spelling algorithm: “Al Gore Rhythm”?

Are pregnant women legally allowed to take a photo without holding their tummy?