Read these tweets in Griffin McElroy’s voice.

I am just an empty shell of a human who used to work at summer camp, and will never again be whole.

@mountain_goats my husband will cry beautiful sweet tears if you play golden boy peanuts tonight, I’ll join.

Petition for @GretaVanFleet to record a cover of The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald. It’s only fitting. Give the Michiganders what they want! #gretavanfleet

I don’t super want another pandemic, but I could really go for another nationwide lockdown. Stuck in the house all day? Yes please.

@jill66jordan @pulte Executives often make more than 600% of what their lower level employees make. Executives can get their pay cut a bit in order to retain employees. Don’t fall for the narrative you’ve been fed.

@pulte Difficult with the future we face. Unfortunately for employees, the employer must lay off before its to late. If we could get the rates down, employees wages are crazy. I understand inflation, but an employer is screwed with all the other costs that come with each employee.

I want Cutthroat Kitchen Junior. I want to see four 8 year olds absolutely destroy one another AND figure out how to budget. Both very important lessons.

Hey boomers, can you do that thing where you crash the housing market again? I would like to purchase one for pocket change. Thanks in advance.

@BradH8sThisTown Ah yes, the pressure of company is the best motivator for an ADHD cleaning spree.

Someone is coming over today! I’m finally gonna do the fucking dishes 🥰

While Jeff Bezos is donating to charity, could he pay off my student loans? Any escape from this soul-crushing career would be life changing. Also being able to participate in the economy would be nice.

Ya’ll are getting pregnant? In THIS economy? Yikes

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, fuck Betsy DeVos. She and her family’s money can get fucked.

@cate8cate Tula Cult Classic! I have mixed hormonal and cystic acne. It is EXPENSIVE but it’s what I used to wean off of my prescription face wash (insurance stopped covering it). It is the BEST thing I have ever used. They also have an acne line but I have never used it.

Kris Jenner is looking more and more like Michael Jackson each day.

Lots of people coming out as anti-Semitic lately.

The holidays are coming. I cannot stress enough that the women in your life do not need more lotion.

in 1920 we took children out of the coal mines in 2020, the most popular video game on the market is minecraft. the children yearn for the mines

Not to be an old person but I want the days back that I could call a salon and get in the very same day. Literally every salon in the very small town I live in are booked for weeks. I just want to have a break-down haircut

Beano know.

Ew. The “my heart is broken for our home away from home” Northerners who vacation/own vacation homes in Florida gross me out. Like sorry your third house flooded, dude.

2 of my 3 older siblings have dyslexia and they all hate reading. Imagine my mother’s surprise when the scholastic book fair came around, and first grade me CARED and WANTED MONEY FOR IT.

@BradH8sThisTown The wedding needed just a little *spice* you know?

@LilNibbles I’m very glad you kept them in 💖

If you didn’t whisper Mountain Goats lyrics into each other’s ears at your wedding, did you even really get married?