Lila Ghim🚢

I quit my PhD. My contract officially ends on Feb 29th. I was going to write a whole spiel about why I’m quitting and how academia, especially my supervisors, failed me. But I don’t want to do that anymore. Instead, I’ve been quietly contemplating the last 3 years of my life. I moved to Vienna slightly over 3 years ago for this position, which posed a great challenge from the get-go. Shortly afterwards, I got into a relationship that also proved to be the most challenging relationship I have ever had. Both the PhD and the relationship caused a tremendous amount of pain. The pain of sleepwalking through life and flying on autopilot finally became intense enough to wake me the hell up. I had to start picking apart how the autopilot got programmed. It turned out that most of the programming was the result of severe childhood trauma, which I unconsciously stuffed down and swept under the rug, hoping that I’d never have to see it again. Having to look under that rug and clean the shit out has been utterly daunting and harrowing, to the extent that I was certain I could no longer carry on. How I wished that I never moved to Vienna; that I never took this stupid position; that I never met this stupid Viennese guy. But on this leap day, as I wrap up this old chapter of my life, I’m full of gratitude, anticipation, and hope. I’m sorry, Vienna, for blaming you. It wasn’t actually you that treated me so unkindly; you just drew my attention to the ugly and filthy underside of that bloody rug. Thank you, Vienna, for waking me up and pushing me to start the clean-up. I don’t know what lies ahead, but at least, I’ll be a little bit more awake and aware as I venture into the unknown.

🚢 Day 9. I'm sorry about this molecular essay, but this is what I got today. Title: Healing sucks. Imagine life is like driving a car. You start driving with a brand-new windshield. As you go on, you start accumulating all kinds of muck and gunk on the windshield. Most of the time, the accumulation is so gradual that you don't notice anything. Sometimes, a bucketful of muck is splashed onto your windshield when something traumatic happens. The windshield keeps on getting soiled. You keep on driving. You get so used to driving in that condition that it doesn't occur to you how opaque the windshield has become and how much your vision has been compromised. Besides, no one ever taught you that you should stop the car and clean the windshield every once in a while. In fact, all you've been taught is how you should drive faster and get to more and farther destinations. You can get by surprisingly well in that state. Of course, you drift out of the lane here and there and bump into other cars and trees sometimes, but you get by somehow. Then, one day, it happens. A major, huge accident. You walk out of your car, you look at your windshield from the outside for the first time, and you go: "How the hell have I been driving like this?" To me, healing is like cleaning that windshield. I suffered a massive car wreck not long ago, and I'm in the process of trying to clean and salvage the windshield. I'm on my hands and knees, wiping away at the layers and layers of muck. The deeper layer of muck is so old, hardened, completely dried up that it almost became one with the windshield. I feel defeated and doomed. I feel like no amount of soap, water, rubbing away will ever remove the muck. I throw my squeegee down on the ground and give myself a good cry. Sometimes I consider giving up on driving altogether. If you ever find yourself in the same boat, I'm here to tell you that I'm still here, wiping and wiping, and if I can do it, then you can do it, too. Please don't listen to those who say you should always feel good and you can switch/raise your vibration instantly or something like that. They make you feel like you're doing something wrong or something's wrong with you, don't they? But let me tell you that healing isn't all about rainbows and roses and unicorns. If I'm being honest, I think healing sucks really hard. It certainly involves a lot of being covered in sweat, muck, and soapy water, as well as sore arms. It's guaranteed that you'll want to give up at one point or another. I don't know about you, but I derive a huge relief in acknowledging this. So, let's not judge those who are still driving around with dirty windshields, endangering themselves and others. I think we've established that healing ain't for the faint-hearted. Maybe they think their windshields aren't dirty enough to warrant a cleaning, and that's ok. Maybe they are genuinely unaware of how dirty their windshields are, just like you and I once were, and that's ok, too. Every single drive is unique and uniquely worthy, and the need for a car wash always arises at the right time (usually it takes a rude awakening from a severe car crash, but not always). No need to direct their attention to their windshields. The best we can do is to clean our own windshields on the side of the road, which may or may not get them to wonder what it is that we're doing and question how their own windshields are doing. In the same vein, let's not get jealous of those lucky ones who seemingly glide through life with no muck. Maybe we need those people so that we can learn what a muck-free drive looks like. Or, maybe their windshield looks fine, but it's their engine that's breaking down. We just never know. And I promise you that as difficult as cleaning the shit is, it's much less difficult than keeping the windshield the way it is. Once you've seen the state of your windshield, you can't unsee it. Also, I promise you that the better it gets, the better it gets. You don't have to wait until the windshield is totally clean to feel better. Once you manage to remove some muck, you'll feel that much better, and some more. As a matter of fact, your windshield may never be squeaky clean again, after all it's been through. Some blotches will remain, but I promise you that you can get it clean enough so that you won't have to bump into things anymore. You'll be able to navigate even the most winding roads well enough, and heck, you'll finally be able to see some beautiful sceneries you missed out on.

Ironically, self-love is not something you can do entirely on your own, contrary to what the prefix “self” might suggest. Even though you are inherently lovable, you do need other people to reflect it back to you, just like you don’t see your own face unless you see its reflection on the mirror. Other people have to participate and show you that you are lovable, even when you fuck up, or, especially when you fuck up. People still stick around, people still love you, and that’s when you learn that you are lovable. Another irony is that these people won’t show up in your life unless you already have some amount of self-love going on. We humans have a liking for the neat, clear-cut, and linear thinking, where: - Self-love comes first, and then we attract people who love us into our reality. - Other people love us first, and then we learn to love ourselves from them. But the reality is almost always way more subtle, nuanced, non-linear, and on a case-by-case basis, with innumerable & interconnected factors doing their own things. Brené Brown said that we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. I consider this to be a half truth in that how much we love ourselves can be moved around by how much other people love us.

I also feel the intense need to protect my energy, time, and attention, but I feel like I'm doing a bad job.. 🙈 #1 hits me as super important, and what came to my mind is having really deep, fulfilling connections/conversations with people I care about, but it doesn't happen everyday, you know? It's hard to make these deeply meaningful connections, and even if I manage, the same person might not vibe with me all the time, so I would say 'other people' would be highly precarious source of energy.. Thanks for sharing these great questions, and I'll ponder over these over the course of April!

Thanks for sharing, I applaud your vulnerability and bravery. Thanks also for the reminder, I'm such a head person that I often forget to attend to my body.. Glad to hear you're doing ok now, hope you have a great rest of your day, and even if you don't, you're most definitely not alone! 💜

I feel I may have narrowly averted a panic attack just now upon waking up. This rarely happens, I can only remember of one or two other times in past years, with similar feelings. I feel okay now. Everything is gonna be alright. I am not alone. I am loved.

@JenyaLegin1 I'm sorry about the fuck-up, that must be frustrating. But I'm proud to see you being unaffected by the dumb shit and having your priorities solid and straight! You go girl! 💪💜

high-achievers, you need to decenter work (why I'm done caring).

Good for you, Andrea! 💜 I think it's a rampant issues in most modern societies that it's been hammered to our brains that life/making money is supposed to be difficult. Out of curiosity, where did your trust in ease come from? Was it something that came naturally to you? Or is it something you had to learn in the past?

I don’t stress when the going gets tough for a while. I know good things will keep on happening to me. And I act from this place of confidence. (3/3)

But I can still count on my old friends whenever I need to. My life is easy. And I acknowledge that a big part of that is thanks to privilege. But it’s also because I trust in ease. I don’t expect things to get hard or complicated. (2/3)

@sroy_tweets Getting to meet you and speaking to you was one of those opportunities! Past me would be deflected and said something like "oh thanks for your offer, but I'm fine, and I don't want to take up your time." 😂

@LilaGhim "I guarantee you that once you decide to practice receiving, the Universe will send you plenty of opportunities for training." Love this💜

Have you noticed that it’s way easier to love and forgive others than to love and forgive yourself? Recently, I started to suspect that it’s by design, so that we have to (or get to) do it for each other. So that we don’t have to (or shouldn’t) go it alone. If you struggle with self-love and self-forgiveness like me, here’s my suggestion: Rather than jumping off the deep end of self-love directly, start with not deflecting the love other people give you. I was a professional self-hater who deflected every single bit of good intention coming from others. Frankly, I didn’t even know I was doing it. Because the filters through which I viewed the world were heavily soiled with muck and filth, I sincerely believed that: - They didn’t mean it. - It’s some stupid platitude they say for them to just fill the silence or deal with social awkwardness or whatever. - They have an ulterior motive and want something from me. When I started to work on my unworthiness and practice receiving, it felt like it took everything I got to say “thank you” when someone gave me a compliment, because not receiving was oh so deeply ingrained. I don’t instantly armor up and deflect like I used to, but sometimes I still find myself tuning it out or not thinking much of it when people send love, warmth, presence, and support my way. I’ve made it a conscious point to really sit with what I receive and fill my heart with appreciation and gratitude, hoping that repeating this enough times will reprogram my mind and open up my receiving channel that’s been blocked for far too long. So, try it. I guarantee you that once you decide to practice receiving, the Universe will send you plenty of opportunities for training.

Yup, "odd" is the word, and you're right, it's probably taken out of context. The line itself was just a little confusing, but it was the comments that really perplexed and saddened me. 😭 I had to look up Maslow's hierarchy, because when I read your comment my immediate thought was like "Aren't most modern humans already at the top-ish?!", but boy was I wrong. You're absolutely right, I think most of us are probably on the second to the bottom rung or so 🥲

Confusing indeed. I think it depends on where one is in Maslow's hierarchy of need. Perhaps fitting in is necessary when one is lower down but as we climb up, authenticity becomes more important. Many of us our lucky to live in places where we can afford to not wear social marks to be supported but I guess this is not true for many parts of the world. Out of context though that statement is very odd. Wonder what he was thinking

I honestly thought this was meant to be an irony. But I guess he meant it, and a lot of people seem to agree with him. I'm so confused. Also sad... about how many times the word "survival" came up in the comments. I came to believe that we are here to thrive as our most unique, expansive, and authentic selves. I know for a fact that this sounds like an unachievable fantasy when trapped in that survival mode. I was there not that long ago. So, there's absolutely no judgment from my side. But the truth is, we're the only ones trapping ourselves and keeping us stuck in the survival mode. Anyway, the response to this post is making me realize why those who practice and teach authenticity such as @_tealswan can be hated so much to the point of receiving death threats. I'd like to contribute my small voice to Team Authenticity. (Please don't send me death threats, though.)

Hi Linda, I do agree that we do need to resonate and attune to people we are with, but he did say "leave behind your own ideas and values" and "put on a mask," which to me sounds like a different animal than "speak their language," you know? It was probably just one sentence taken out of context, and my response was more to the comments, where so many people were crying out "Yeah! We should suppress our true selves to survive!!" 😢

@LilaGhim I agree that to truly thrive, you need to get above survival. I took his comment to mean that talk in the language with whomever you are with. It doesn't do any good to talk about English to someone who speaks Swahili.

Oh my! I saw your YouTube videos a couple of days ago, and now you're in my comments?! I've been avoiding social media like the plague, and I still struggle with keeping up on Twix, but moments like these are super fun! I understand your interpretation. That was my initial suspicion (?), too, but he did say "leave your own ideas and values behind" and "put on a mask." Which does read differently than adjusting and attuning to where we find ourselves. Also, my confusion and sadness was more about the comments where the majority of people were saying they should wear masks and suppress their authentic selves to survive. 😢

@LilaGhim I felt the same upon 1st reading, but maybe he just means that the path to thriving is to lean on the old wisdom... "...when in Rome, do as the Romans." I.e. Don't get too dogmatic about our own viewpoints or beliefs & aim to resonate with the society we choose to hang around?

@ICRobledo Yeah I guess these big-author accounts are most definitely not run by the authors themselves 😂

@LilaGhim I saw his post and I had similar thoughts as you. Then again, I think these phrases are usually quotes from his books, so it may be from 20 years ago. Possibly he thinks differently now.

@SeamusMcTier I meant the word, not awfulizing things 🙈

@SeamusMcTier I love Awfulizer! 🤣🤣🤣

I heard a great story during a meeting the other day. A friend shared how he hadn’t put a situation through his ‘Awfulizer.’ It got a huge laugh. Now, that’s some funny stuff. But it makes me think of the key to life, not just sobriety: being in control of what we think about, what we spend time on, and what we feed our mind’s little coal stove. If we shovel in more fuel, it’s amazing how quickly the flames of the Awfulizer can grow. It gets hot. As an addict in active addiction, I always want to be in control. And the reality is, I'm sobriety, I am in control of what I choose to think about today.

You are powerless to get people to like the real you. Everyone is. You are not powerless to figuring out what would make someone like you, and duping them into thinking that you’re that. But if you do that, they don’t really like YOU do they?

@dharma_pen Hone, lover, and progress. Yoohoo! I'm psyched about April now 😂

*sizzles* Lover - Inspiration - Dance

Oh my, I'm so jelly you went to London! 😆 I was there for like a week and a half, and it was still not enough, I must go back! I have so much respect for you and Keira for working out while traveling.. It takes me Herculean effort to get a workout in even when I have all the time in the world in the comfort of my own home...... 🤣

It’s the Easter holidays and we just came back from a three day trip to London. It was great to get out of our regular routine, and experience something new. Here are 7 lessons/ realizations I learned from this trip (and what i want to remember for future trips): 1/ Planning ahead is a must. When you're two adults visiting London, “winging it” works great. But when you’re two adults and a teenager, you want to make the most of your trip without a lot of hassle. Booking ahead for the Tower of London and The Lion King ensured we enjoyed these experiences to the fullest, avoiding the stress of last-minute tickets and the disappointment of sold-out events. 2/ The non-negotiable comforts of home. Have you ever had something that you just had to travel with? For me, it’s my Tempur pillow. Despite taking up precious luggage space, it was key to waking up refreshed and ready to explore each day. Every time I’ve traveled without it, I’ve regretted that I didn’t bring it along. 3/ Just because something hurts doesn’t mean that it’s not good for you. I’ve been struggling with plantar fasciitis for months. Walking was painful on the first day that we were in London and I had to use Keira (my daughter) as a crutch. On the second day, I also used her as a crutch but not as much as the first day. On the third day, I could walk on my own. It was a brutal reminder that my body craves variety in movement, not just weight training I've been loyal to. 4/ Explore different transportation choices in the area. Uber is fantastic, but it’s not always the best choice. As it turns out, the Black Cabs in London are a bit cheaper, and all the cabbies speak English (if that’s important to you). For some places we visited, the Tube saved us time and we got a chance to experience local practices. 5/ Morning workouts are the best way to kick-off the day. When I’m traveling, I sometimes fall out of my daily routine, and end up getting mad at myself later. But for this trip, we managed to our routine. Keira and I woke up at 7am and went down to the gym to get in a workout. We did some free weights, worked out on the machines and some abs. Working out together with my daughter was fun. It was something that we could do together and it made us feel like we accomplished something before breakfast. 5/ Make dinner reservations when you can. We are in the midst of the Easter holidays in Europe, so London was packed. As luck would have it, most of the places we wanted to eat at didn’t take reservations. The first night we were in London, we waited for 1 ½ hours to eat at an Indian restaurant called Dishoom. We learned that if you eat between 4pm-6:30pm, there is no line. But if you arrive after 6:30, there’s already a line. So plan accordingly if you don’t want to wait. 6/ Using ChatGPT for travel planning is ok, but you need constraints. It’s important to personalize what ChatGPT gives you. Here are some things to remember: - You need to be specific about your dates, the year and if there are holidays. - If you have specific restaurants you want to visit, make sure to tell it so that those places are included. - Tell it to group locations together. By doing this, you reduce the amount of time you have to criss-cross the city. - Have it add times for you so that you can judge how long it takes from one place to the other. You can adjust accordingly depending on what you want to do and how much time you want to spend somewhere. 7/ Stepping out of the daily grind is a good thing. Our trip was a deliberate step away from routine, providing a fresh perspective that rejuvenated our spirits. It reinforced the notion that to truly grow, we must occasionally step back, reflect, and immerse ourselves in new experiences. _____ And that’s it! If you enjoyed this, follow @jenniferlund for more ideas and reflections like these. And if any of these lessons resonated, hit reply and let me know.

@NicoJamesBCN HELL YEAH!

Life’s too short to play small, they say.