@sshole

Why the fuck would anyone leave me in charge of my own destiny? Idiots.

My strengths are your weaknesses but it doesn't ever equal out.

I have 1 hour to get sober. *Takes 5 tequila shots. I got this.

People should have to audition for Twitter.

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

I’m starting to think the sharks on "Shark Week" eat people just to get on tv.

My kid got overheated and said the only thing that would help was french fries, and I’m not a doctor but that sounds about right

Surround yourself with people that will leave you the fuck alone.

It's beautiful when two people make love and then fall asleep in each others arms and then they get savagely mauled by bears because fuck love.

I don't wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors kiddie pool.

Remember when we left the house without a phone and survived?

Plot twist: I don’t exist

When you needed them, where were they?

hashtag cheat code

What do you want? -me flirting

chicken pot pie are three of my favourite things.

Hear me out, a smoke break but you light yourself on fire

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a second bottle of Worcestershire sauce?

Please do not invite me to your wedding, I didn’t even want to attend my own.