London Crime

If you were the picture editor who found this Jimmy Savile shot, CONGRATULATIONS, your working life is now complete: tinyurl.com/bldumca

"Used to do loads of work with the council on their school building program. Then, not sure why, it just stopped"

Should have held the Paralympics first and treated it as a security dry-run. If a bomb had gone off there'd be less noticeable damage.

In remembrance of Rodney King's death I'm going to organise a minute's violence.

I'm on next with a 56k modem being eaten by a robot wolf. #jubileeconcert

For those who've asked, sadly, I was disqualified from #eurovision as my entry was basically a Casio keyboard stapled to a dead cow.

New track based on a 17 minute sample of an ant, walking on an ice cube made of frozen tears, being repeatedly hit by a rusty exhaust pipe.

I am sound. I am a shining sine wave of pure tone vibrating at the frequency of DNA. I am a man in a dressing gown eating Coco Pops.

What I found made Diane Abbott's comments even more offensive was that she was blacked-up when she made them.

The first counterfeit Santa Claus was arrested today. Didn't even have a real beard. Hamley's now full of quite emotional kids.