Woosabi@woosabicrypto
Bro, I am at my local dive bar right now and I think I’m hallucinating.
I’m sitting in the corner, minding my own business, when I look over by the locked backdoor. There is a chick crouching there. She looks like a literal mime-jester hybrid, but lowkey? She’s got a crazy, cartoonish hourglass build. It’s hitting a very specific, dark-web fetish I didn't even know I had. She is kind of hot in a completely ruined-mental-health type of way. I immediately decide I need to shoot my shot.
As I get closer, I realize she is actively having a full-blown crisis. Her eyes are literally spinning like roulette wheels and she’s aggressively whispering to herself.
"I can't take this anymore! Make this nightmare stop. How the fuck do I leave?!"
She’s spiraling hard. But I’m already locked in. I put on my gentlest, most "I promise I'm not a predator" voice and say, "Hey."
She jumps three feet into the air. "Jesus fucking Christ!"
"Whoa, whoa, easy," I say, holding up my hands like I'm calming down a stray cat. "Didn't mean to scare you. But if you're trying to use that backdoor to escape, give up. It’s been locked since 2018. But listen... I know another exit if you’re trying to get out of here."
She looks at me, hyperventilating. "Ah—oh, uh... sorry. Yes, please, just get me out of here! I don't want to be here. I never asked for this! I just want to go home but I don't know how. I don't think I ever will. I got dragged into this. I'm trapped forever. Fuck. Shit. Ahhh!"
At this exact moment, my brain does a quick risk-assessment. I’m looking at her like, holy shit, this girl has enough emotional baggage to fill a Boeing 747. This is way too much psychological labor just for a chance to smash, you know what I mean? But I’m already committed to the bit. I am simply too deep in the trenches to back out now. I gotta see this through and try to secure that digital jester ass."
Hey, hey, okay, listen to me," I say, trying to sound like a hero. "I know where the exit is. It’s through the kitchen. It’s chaotic in there right now, but I’m a regular. Jack the cook is about to go out for a smoke break, and we can slip out right behind him. It’s gonna be okay, I got you."
The panic in her eyes drops by like 5%, but she still looks at me like I'm a serial killer. "Who are you? Why are you even helping me?"
I give her a lazy, troubled-boy shrug. "Honestly? You just reminded me of myself when my anxiety hits. I might look chill, but inside, I'm a certified ball of hot mess. Usually, this place is my escape from reality, but that giant purple rabbit dude by the front entrance is causing an absolute riot tonight. The front door is a death trap because of him, so I was already planning on sneaking out the back. You wanna come with?"
That "anxiety soulmate" speech was a complete lie, obviously. I am honestly impressed with how fast I came up with that on the fly. I had noticed earlier that she kept eyeballing that lanky purple rabbit motherfucker, so they definitely knew each other. But since she was actively trying to escape, I figured things weren't going great between them. Well, good for me. One step closer to smacking those blue and red cakesssss. Booyah!
She looks at me, and I can see a tiny bit of relief finally hitting her face."Yes! Anywhere but here right now," she blurts out. Then she gets this wildly desperate look in her eyes. "Actually, if you could just pull me out of this entire body, that would be even better. But of course you can't... urgh, what am I even saying? Ignore all of that. You... you don't think I'm crazy, do you?"
"Not at all," I say smoothly.
Which was the absolute truth, because I literally wasn’t even listening to what she just said. My brain was at 0% capacity doing math on how to lock this down.I give her my best reassuring smile.
"In fact, I don't even remember what you just said. So, you ready to go now?"
She takes one final glance over at the purple rabbit dude, then looks back at me with absolute determination.
"Yes," she says, her voice shaking but firm. "Let's go."
As if to applaud her resolve, I smoothly reach my hand out to her. She just stares at it, completely confused, like she has literally never seen a human hand gesture before. I don't give her time to overthink it. I just grab her hand, lock my fingers in tight, and yank her along with me as we make a break for the kitchen.
She doesn’t even resist. It's like she’s completely surrendered her free will to me. I’m thinking to myself, Lucky! What an absolute pushover, bahahah! Honestly, the sheer excitement of it all is starting to get me a little bricked up. I have to fully commit to the "knight in shining armor" act just to hide how incredibly horny I am right now. I’d like to think that deep down, she’s actually liking this.
We hurry through the swinging kitchen doors. A couple of the line cooks give us weird looks, but I just give them a confident "I belong here" nod and keep moving. They’re way too slammed with orders to care. The jester chick is still letting me drag her by the hand, following me like a good girl. Man, I am having way too much fun right now.
But then it hits me. I’m literally kidnapping a jester from a dive bar and I don’t even know who she is.
I stop right before the back exit. "Wait. Before we lock into this whole escape mission, I think we should at least get acquainted. It’s gonna be awkward just saying 'hey' the whole time. I’m Woosabi. And you are?"
She looks up, her face burning bright red from the heat of the night and her own anxiety. Her pinwheel eyes are spinning as she stares right into my soul, gripping my hand back like I'm her absolute lifeline in this crowded nightmare. She was...tantalizing.
She blinks up at me. "Pomni."
