Stewie Griffin

That awkward moment between birth and death.

I'm sorry I offended you when I called you a bitch, I honestly thought you knew

Can we just skip this whole “school” thing & go straight to the part where I have a really awesome job & spend all my time traveling

Friends are like balloons. If you stab them, they die.

My life is a lie

Normal people: i love it when my boyfriend/girlfriend tells me he/she loves me. Me: i love it when my microwave tells me my food is ready

Me: You hang up...Her: No, you hang up.. Me: click

Me: "I'm over my crush" Crush: "hey" Me: "Nevermind"

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" "Aww, you remembered my birthday!" "No, facebook told me.”

Our generation will make the most badass grandparents..

School dress code is dumb af. your shoulder can't show??? What boy is going to look at a girl & be like "DAMM THATS A FINE ASS SHOULDER"

Andy didn't have a dad in Toy Story because human characters were too expensive to animate.

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

RT this to fuck with peoples timeline . . .

That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.

Never ask a black bartender for a shot.

If you have no sense of humor...We can't be friends.

For guys “bros over hoes”. For girls “chicks over dicks”. For me, it’s “whoever has my back over the fake ass people, any day”

DEFINITION OF "EX": Thanks for the EXperience. Our time has EXpired. Now EXit my life.

Call me constipated, cause I no longer give a shit.