Joseph Leavell@LowerLeavell
Men are not the only ones capable of abuse. Husbands have a real vulnerability in marriage, not just wives. God designed the husband to be protector which means looking out for threats from without to the blessing of his wife and children. These do not expect or even know what to do with a stab in the back from within.
I've seen many men come to counseling because their wives gave them an ultimatum, but refuse to come themselves because "they aren't the ones with the problem." Their husband is a narcissist (which sometimes is true and other times is code for 'we're fighting for control and he won't let me have it without a fight.'). Or, he gets angry and needs to control his temper (which oddly only happens when she dresses him down and treats him like a toddler in front of his kids, friends, and family). "It must be from his childhood, so Joe - fix my husband!"
I've invited all these wives to lend their voice in counseling with their husbands because even if these wives had never done anything wrong there is still a tear in the relationship and she will need to be willing to surrender her piece because you need both sides of the coat in order for the zipper to work. I've had wives offended and refuse to return at the question that they may have any role to play in their relational discord or in its repair. Why? Because more than a few wives had brought their husbands to a counselor who they were sure would be the tie breaker in her favor for continued control and are wanting to use Jesus' "husbands love your wives" as leverage for control without herself being willing to subject herself to Christ and to her husband (1 Peter 3:1-6).
These are disappointed and sometimes angry to hear they both need to hand the keys of control over to Jesus and follow His Kingdom and His design, not hers. Even if her kingdom may appear to be 'better' than her husband's, it will always be far worse than Jesus'.
The reality is, it's an open secret that there are truly women who will tear their own house down with a smile on their face because they perversely enjoy the skill and power of keeping her heels on her husband's neck. Of course she would say it's because she can't trust him with important decisions, but in reality, she has become addicted to control and can't trust that he will always do things meticulously according to her kingdom's demands.
But even more egregious, there are men who are hit, slapped, and sometimes far worse by wives who emasculate and punish their husbands who would dare challenge her dominance, and do so sometimes even from dating years into marriage for decades. These husbands won't fight back because they are honorable, shamed and embarrassed, or at least know what would happen to them if they put a bruise in return and the wife called the police. While 1 in 4 women experience some form of physical abuse in their relationship, 1 in 7 men do as well.
This isn't a stat to ignore, though many, even within the church, regularly ignore women's roles in marriage by putting the entirely of the relationship on the husband, which only emboldens abusive wives even more.
For example, I recently heard a powerful sermon, which at one part waxed eloquent about how men are to treat their wives, giving even details about researching peri-menopause and good advice about how to dwell with her in an understanding way. Lots of appropriate amens...but then he moved on and never once gave a single word to the wives on how to treat her husband. While churches are full of classes for men on how to be better husbands and father's and how to step up at home in loving their wives and kids, where are the classes for women on how to skillfully understand their role as a wife? What is biblical submission, what are some tangible ways to "phileo/love" their husbands and children, how to effectively manage a home, etc. (Titus 2:4-5)? Good luck with that in this culture...but my goodness this level of biblical understanding for wives is sorely needed and entirely within the pastor's mandate to feed the sheep to ensure it happens and is done well!
Men aren't stupid and abused husbands perceived that they are seen as the enemy by the church. So husbands of abusive wives learn to avoid the church, their wives, and godly friends, through their work, hobby, or addiction. Then they are scolded for being emotionally unavailable, not prioritizing God, male friendships, or their family. The church and their counselor quickly blame him, claim emotional abuse or neglect. Shoot, I've even seen a church side with an adulterous wife because her husband didn't give her enough emotional support.
When she divorces him for not adequately living up to her kingdom's demands, she gets support and care, taking the children, the home, the church friendships, and most of his hard work that he had sacrificed for THEM. She now gets to enjoy, complete with sympathy and affirmation, without him while he still pays many of her bills and only occasionally gets to see his children. He is left entirely alone.
While there are a thousand objections to what I am writing from examples of where the husband is the clear abuser or when they both are struggling, it doesn't negate or help the man who is left out to dry when his abusive wife is placated or even sided with.
It's true that while men regularly get the book thrown at them, many elder teams treat their wives as near innocent princesses incapable of wrong...and even if she does do wrong, they still say it's the husband's fault. Wise pastors and elder teams need to not be quick to assume the husband is always the exclusive issue. They must do their due diligence and not take one side over the other but remain true to Jesus' side, inviting them both to surrender to His control (James 3 and 4). The issue is always about loyalty to Jesus' Kingdom, never about choosing if the wife or the husband's kingdom is better.
Especially in a culture where churches covered up abuse for years, many elder teams are afraid to even give the appearance of not siding with the wife. This has led some to the other side of the ditch where true judgment and biblical wisdom becomes impossible. Elders must never shepherd in fear but with the truth in love.
In a culture that worships the feminine, Proverbs teaches us of an abusive wife's capabilities. Though harder to spot and more rare than an abusive man, we would be wise to heed Scripture's wisdom.
