Lucas Stainsack

I’m posting this to hold myself to it: I’m going to build a life surrounded by people who connect with me authentically. No more hiding or justifying the parts of me others tried to shame. I will find my people, even if I have to cross hemispheres to do it. Watch me.

Pattern Recognition is also the form of intelligence that causes the most stress. You will see things that others do not. You'll feel crazy. Things will be *so obvious* to you, and others will just deny it.

I’ve had one of the most depressing days in months. I loathe Sundays. It’s when the loneliness hits a point where I feel powerless against it, and today has been one of the worst. I keep imagining people with family, friends, or partners, people who love each other. I don’t have that. I’m stuck in a place, both physically and mentally, that sucks the joy out of me. I’m clinging to a really thin thread of hope that I’ll eventually leave and find the places I want to be. To meet kind, interesting people and build a life with them. But that life feels so far away right now. I feel awful, and my mind is currently such a dark, hopeless place. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I don't know. I'm tired, I'm emotional, and I just need to connect. I feel things too intensely, and there is a mismatch of biblical proportions between how I look and how I feel inside. A gap that neither I nor the people around me seem comfortable with.

I read a tweet today that triggered an unexpected wave of loneliness. It made me realize just how starved for deep, genuine connection I've been for years now. I haven't had a good couple of weeks. In my last two therapy sessions, I said things that made my therapist visibly wince. While I think it's necessary to let those thoughts out in a safe, clinical setting, sometimes I feel like all I really need is a trusted friend or partner I can be my raw, unfiltered self with. I've never had that, and I don't feel safe enough to look for it. I wouldn't even know where/how to start. I look at the world around me and feel like an alien speaking a language no one understands, save for a few people on the internet who, despite their empathy and kindness, can't fill that void.

@HeidiPriebe1 I was going to mention that the vanishing act is probably more common with men, but I don’t think hiding behind that excuse makes for a good argument. Then again, the urge to disappear and resurface as a perfect being is very alluring…

The way my female friends and I are sending constant 20 minute voice notes to each other during periods of growth (and periods of stagnation, and literally all other periods bc love is the point of being alive).

Okay we can idealize this or we can not have a loneliness crisis but we really have to pick.

Could use a tight hug today. Don’t feel so good.

As that friend, check in on your 'therapist'/INFJ friends. A little appreciation goes a long way. We’re great at recognizing emotional patterns, but terrible at breaking our own because we spend way too much time trapped in our own heads.

I love being alive. youtu.be/GDCblg3XAOQ

@HeidiPriebe1 Between your latest videos and tweets, you've given me the inspo to step up and face things I've been dreading for years. You are so appreciated, Heidi. Your courage inspires more than you know 🙏

I wish I could go back and give my 6-months-ago self the biggest hug and 'thank you' for executing on some of the *really* hard choices she had to make to give me the life I'm building (& loving so much) now. Working my ass off to give myself 6 months from now the same feeling.

On another note, I've been listening to a lot of Massive Attack lately. Very 2024 Lucas-coded, which was a year with a metric shit-ton of ups and downs. Learned a lot from my experiences that year. youtube.com/watch?v=6hUkyK…

These past few days, I've been feeling a lot of resentment toward my trauma responses (functional freeze, overeating, dissociation, avoidance). Not because they didn't do their job to protect me, but because of the significant toll they've taken on my health, career, and social life. I'm not entirely sure what my inner child is trying to tell me through this resentment, but I'm doing my best to just listen w/o making any drastic, irreversible decisions, which is proving to be really hard.

@HeidiPriebe1 Bitterness isn't usually my default, but hopelessness definitely is. Reframing it as a skill to practice gives me some much-needed perspective, though. Definitely have some reps to put in there.

Remaining grateful and optimistic and not-bitter in the face of the bad shit that life throws our way is not a personality trait, it is a skill. One that can be honed and practiced into automaticity, and that can easily 10x our life satisfaction when we get it down.

5.5 hours of meetings in an 8-hour workday. On a Friday. I love having a stable, remote job. I love having a stable, remote job. I love having a stable, remote job.

Can't think of a better song to start this rainy Thursday. I need to get myself a digital piano one of these days. youtube.com/watch?v=qTK0e1…

Tonight is a 'therapy was hard and unpleasant, so I need sushi and old Outdoor Boys videos to feel better' kind of night.

@asimbawe I really appreciate the positive vibes you’re putting out lately

Actually, this might be the more appropriate Matrix quote for my current feelings on this.

Considering a plan that isn't financially worth it, delays my long-term goals by one or two years, and guarantees a massive emotional hangover. Is it worth risking everything for a temporary sense of belonging, even if it will me crave it more when it’s over?

I think it's safe to say that, thanks to medication and therapy, my depression is finally in remission. The challenge now is this really uncomfortable space where my desire to do things is screaming at me, but my body just won't move, no matter how badly I want it to. My hypothesis is that my dopaminergic pathways are totally out of whack after 10+ years of being frozen, and I might need a different kind of push (like a stimulant) to get the ball rolling. I feel right on the cusp of taking the first steps toward the life I want. I might be wrong about the solution, but right now, that's what feels true in my body.

Even though I'm not fully vegan (at least not yet, we'll see), soy is by far the most versatile protein I have ever seen in all my 2 weeks of learning how to cook. Cheap, filling, all nine amino acids, and it will take the texture and flavour you want. What else do you need?

I have mastered the crispy air fryer tofu.