Scott Robinson

I'm waiting for my car to complete its smog test and I don't use my phone to do enough things to look like it's keeping me busy for 15 minutes. Typing this tweet didn't kill enough time. Guess I'll make eye contact with people like a weirdo.

On my way to work this morning, I caught myself reading a billboard out loud like an old person. So naturally, I immediately rammed my car into a building to try to put myself out of my misery.

Okay, the eclipse is over. *Now* can I look directly at the Sun?

Or maybe he just wasn't great at his job. I understand watching over me at the self-checkout to make sure I scanned the bulk packages of paper towels and toilet paper. But what was he intending to accomplish by shadowing me while I was still in the dairy aisle?

Late last night, I was followed around the grocery store by a security guard -- I guess to make sure I wasn't planning to steal the $30 of paper products in my cart? Now I slightly better understand the dehumanizing feeling other people experience on a daily basis.

After its apparent heyday being a full century ago, congratulations to the word "dispensary" on its comeback.

Has anyone ever put forth the theory that the fantasy sequences on "Muppet Babies" were shared hallucinations caused by all the drugs Nanny gave the babies so she wouldn't have to keep a close eye on them?

Now that Weird Al is in semi-retirement, who will write "Nepo Babies" to the tune of the "Muppet Babies" theme song?

The sign doesn't say *I* can't do that.

I know it technically isn't margarine, but "vegetable oil spread" is too many syllables and just "spread" feels imprecise. I'm open to suggestions for what to call it.

I couldn't fill out an Oscars ballot even if I wanted to -- I already voted on Tuesday.

I'm surprised it took me this long to mix Cocoa Puffs and Peanut Butter Crunch into one bowl of cereal. I think both brands were improved by the experience, but it's still easier to pour from a box of Reese's Puffs.

When I start running searches for things like "Klein bottle bong," that's an indication that I really need to just go to bed.

I wanted to try dancing with myself, but I turned me down.

The worst thing about growing old in this economy is that I can't afford a lawn to yell at kids to get off of.

I've lived here so long, the sight of the Circus Liquor business establishment no longer fills me with bemusement.

Coming up with trivia questions would be more fun if we weren't beholden to facts and reality. I want to claim that the logo for the movie "Twister" was designed to trick people into thinking it was a spinoff of the sitcom "Friends."

I'm also planning to get a haircut today. Good thing I didn't do *that* during the earthquake!

I'm on a part-time office schedule for my current job, and I'm glad today is a work-from-home day. My desk in the office has a glass top, which probably wouldn't have been the best thing to duck under during today's light earthquake.

The option of contactless payment is rendered purposeless if I then have to tap the screen to confirm the payment amount.