Mike Alpha Bravo

@thisstuartlaws “If a cat’s wants to shit on your lawn, it will look you in the eye whilst it shits on your lawn” Me, during lockdown.

I’ve been casually slipping in fake British sayings and words into conversation with my American partner - here’s the one’s she believes:

@naturevideos Funnily enough they were both drinking and singing together 10 minutes earlier.

Just 2 Australian citizens hashing out an argument.

I just pissed my pants 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

@RealPaulPutner Chap on the left seems to be playing a Tiki torch so I’ll guess it’s the Charlottesville Proud Boys?

Friday music quiz. Who is this seventies band?

@ThatBloke_Jesus Cheeky Nando’s?

Just popping out for supper with the lads!

@SamaHoole I hope the prices don’t go up now!

5% fat ground beef. Respect for the effort. Truly. You found the meat aisle. You picked beef over a protein bar. You are in the right postcode. But you have knocked on the wrong door. 5% ground beef is not food. It is a biological administrative error. It is what you get when someone removes the entire point of the exercise and charges you more for the privilege. Fat is not a byproduct of beef. Fat is the reason beef exists as a food. Fat is where the fat-soluble vitamins live: A, D, E, K2. Fat is what satiates you for six hours instead of ninety minutes. Fat is what makes the thing taste like something rather than a warm flavoured sponge. Your ancestors, without exception, ate the fat. They fought over it. Marrow was considered the prize of the kill. When the whole animal was available, the lean muscle meat was often the last thing people reached for. The fat went first. Every time. Across every culture. Across every continent. For two million years. And here you are in 2026, paying premium price for a product with the fat professionally removed, wondering why you're hungry again at 3pm and the beef tasted of nothing in particular. Get the 20%. Get the mince from the Aldi chilled section. £3.20, half a kilo, more nutrition per gram than the lean version at twice the price. Your ancestors would not be proud. They would be baffled.

@LordBoatrace Isn’t the Australian GP going to be on a road circuit too?

The last sport on earth that actually requires bollocks.. #IOMTT

@SamaHoole When I’m travelling I do this at the service stations. I just use the kiosk ordering and no one blinks an eye.

McDonald's. 11am on a Thursday. Me: Can I get four cheeseburgers, extra bacon, no bun, no ketchup, no mustard, no onion, no pickle. Cashier: So just the patties, cheese, and bacon. Me: Just the patties, cheese, and bacon. Cashier: Four of them. Me: Four of them. Cashier: [types it in] That comes up as four cheeseburgers with modifications. Me: Perfect. Cashier: The bun is included in the price. Me: That's fine. Cashier: You're paying for buns you're not getting. Me: I'm aware. Cashier: [a pause] Okay. The bag arrived. Four cardboard boxes, each containing two patties, a slice of cheese, a rash of bacon, sitting in the approximate location where a bun would normally be, surrounded by nothing. It was perfect. It was exactly what I asked for.

@RealPaulPutner I wonder if there is a service logbook

Watching the news about the 'installation of the Archbishop of Canterbury'. This makes it sound like the cathedral has just put in a new boiler or some solar panels.

@BellaBaddie__ It’s when there was a shortage of ketamine in the world and therefore the price was 1000 per dose.

can I ask a dumb question… what’s the K for “thousand” stand for

@LordBoatrace It’s still running on TNT. Apparently kicks off at 7:20.

Sprint race delayed so no one will get to watch it now.. Bastard.. 🙁

@dom_lucre Hide my paddleboard

What would you do if this man was outside your door?

@MumbrianSpinner Forward the text to 7726. It does help cut down on these as each one is added to a database.

These wankers deserve to be mounted on a spike.

@RockLovesMe2 Gay Bykers on Acid, The Farkin Barstewards or Ken Dodd’s Dad’s Dog’s Dead were all playing the club circuit in the 90’s

🤔🤔

@TRHLofficial Is Elvis still alive though, and does he work for the CIA ?

Elites sacrifice children Aliens are real Ivermectin cures cancer Covid- we were right about it all Zodiac & Black Dalia killers were the same person Tylenol causes autism Helen Keller could see & hear Banner year for the conspiracy theorists.

@AlchemyAmerican @realGMcKinnon I thought it was The Hoff for a mo.

Coming this weekend

@TaraBull MC B Cup

What's his rap name?

@AuntCunt Queue the puns about how good the bean is…..

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

@Loudwire Nile Rogers

Name this football player (Wrong Answers Only) 📸: Scott Gries/ImageDirect, Getty Images

@TheProjectUnity You’ve got to ask him about the time he went on Jonathan Ross as that’s where most of us learned of him.

David Icke interview confirmed. COMING SOON.