mal gal

Anyone have a dog I can hangout with? Been having serious dog withdrawal lately and I need an extra boost of serotonin

My low key flex is being on a first name basis with the DHS security gate guards

Whiskey will have you arguing with a guy with mullet if they had butter on the Oregon Trail or not

I could get used to this working from home on Friday thing. Most because I’m blasting ABBA while reviewing schedules. It’s all about balance

I CAUGHT A FISH. Now I know why men post fish pics on their dating profile. I’m so proud

My toxic trait is knowing I’ve needed to get my oil changed for three weeks and I still haven’t done it 🙃

Gents, if your girl works at D*sney, make sure you tell her how good she looks bc the maintenance guys for sure will 💀

We’re opening a star cruiser and I’m pretty fricken proud

Fuck it. Let’s get wine drunk and slow dance in my kitchen

The fact that half of my problems could be solved by drinking more water is offensive to me

The pug had bones today and I still got rear ended. Come on Noodle

Now that I have become an adult I don’t know why I ever wanted to be one. 0/10. Do not recommend. Very overrated.

Got electrocuted today. Do not recommend

Newton refuses to admit that Christmas is over

This is how my dog sleeps now. That’s all. That’s the tweet. Carry on.

There is a man boarding my flight rn with a to-go carrier full of beers. This guy gets it

what do u possibly ask for christmas at 25. like bro i want a house