Maria Catherine

Dear Mr. President, I’ve been thinking about this in the shower and I have a plan. The problem isn’t Iran. It’s the ship crews. These are my people. Merchant Mariners are an odd lot. “Show some guts” doesn’t work because these guys have crossed the North Atlantic in winter. They already know what they’ve got. We are a practical lot. Common sense, as you often say. So avenging our deaths by carpet bombing Iran, while a a generous token, doesn’t do much to motivate us. Dead is dead. You can’t collect on a life insurance policy if the underwriter at Lloyd’s has TDS, and most of them do. Plus those supertanker fires are nasty. Think AOC when she’s as old as Pelosi. Our phrase is Acta Non Verba. Actions, not words. So someone will have to sail through first. And it’s not enough to sail with AIS off under the cover of dark. Someone has to sail in broad daylight with an enormous American flag streaming over the stern. The biggest flag you’ve ever seen. Huge. It’s a show of flag exercise so we want something big. Step one: you need a Captain. Someone kinda well known. Handsome, ideally, a man of faith of course, debonair would be nice but we can work with what we’ve got. Here’s what I’ll do. I’m heading to the big CMA conference tomorrow and will recruit a crew. I’m a little rusty but a great crew can compensate for a lot of command failures. Ask any Admiral. My license needs to be renewed, and I’ll need someone to waive all those stupid classes the UN’s @IMOHQ wants me to take. Seven courses, Mr. President. To do the same job I’ve been doing for 30 years. Pete is a good judge of character, he can vouch for me. A note from the President to Admiral Lundy should do. Might be the fastest the Coast Guard has ever moved on anything. But I need a just a few small things in return. First, I need a SEAL team or equivalent. Just a small platoon but preferably one of those tier one guys if available. They can’t shoot down drones or anything, but they absolutely can tell me to man up when I inevitably say “WTF was I thinking.” Pete, if you’re reading this, feel free to send your best. I promise I will not make them sit through a PowerPoint. Also, I fully expect at least one Admiral in charge of the convoy frigates to do something dumb…. like epic level retarded… and SEALs are historically very good at straightening out Admirals. Consider it an interservice relations exercise. Next, we need some of those Navy Corpsmen. The crazy bastards who embed with Marines. If we get hit and my leg needs amputation, I want it done by a guy who’s done it before, not a guy who’s got s rusty saw and an ikea manual. That’s it. You don’t even need to pay me or my crew a cent. Honestly, this might be the best deal ever, and I know you’ve seen some deals. Oh, just one more thing. We want the same deal y’all gave Bruce Willis’s crew in Armageddon. No more federal taxes. For life. You’ve seen the movie, sir. That scene is basically a documentary about how to negotiate with the federal government. And if I don’t make it? I want to be buried next to Dad in Arlington, and my kids and wife get the no-taxes-ever thing. That’s the Captain Konrad family plan. Very competitive rates. Lastly, we’re going to need a few ships to follow us into Hormuz. Probably no more than ten. I suggest Filipino-crewed ships. They are the best mariners in the world, they are tough as hell, and they will not complain too much. Actually all mariners complain but I’ll have them do that part in tagalog. For the first ten ships that volunteer to follow me through, each crew gets one of your Golden Visas (brilliant idea, by the way) and a pork adobo cookout at the White House on a date of your choosing. I’ll even get one of the guys to send you the recipe. It’s delicious. Trust me. That’s about it. Just let me know what airport I should meet the jet at tomorrow afternoon. Very Best Regards, Captain John Konrad Master, Unlimited Tonnage US Merchant Marine