Maria Heinegg

"Finally, we're alone," I whispered to my phone in the bathroom at this party.

hello @gursel0022 (fellow legend)- excited to be a starter team- plz advise on how we will be getting these excess bags #gürselgäng

every straight dude on hinge who lists their politics as “not political” or “other” won’t remember your birthday and secretly wants a cybertruck.

i’ve never felt more supported by a man than the first convo after we match on an app. he’s full of “yes, queen” energy when you’re a sex prospect.

"Why are you bothering the cat?" "Just let her bother the cat." what christmas is like with my family

how are the holidays treating me? i just took my bra off in this subway station.

We laughed, cried, and gave a 20-something couple in the crowd the false hope of relationship stability 😅. Relive the first night of Busty's Comedy Club, exclusively on ManyVids! Featuring the incredible @gracie_canaan, @MariaHeinegg, & @lully514! ▶️ tinyurl.com/5ys7t6e9

social media, if you really want to break me, put the unfollows in my notifications.

being in comedy is so fun. you’ll be thinking about how you want to kill yourself but then realize what time it is and be like “hold that thought. i need to go post a reel!”

i used to eat pizza crust until i realized it’s just the part of the pizza without cheese so now i don’t respect it

there's a car alarm that's been going off in my neighborhood for 90 minutes. happy mother's day.

@mattwasfunny i can’t. it’s nsfw

I wanna make a thread post the most beautiful photo you’ve taken on your phone!

living in nyc changes your perspective. a guy told me he got a DUI and I was like, "oh, man. you have a car?!?"

no one listens to me and, honestly, could not respect any decision more.

@JayJurden {then immediately reaches out}

Every Taurus: shit I’m not looking foolish, they can reach out TO ME

just overheard a 25 year old call another 25 year old “the love of my life” lololololol

“i like it. i have no idea what they’re saying.” - my mom’s review of reggae

i love when someone says “that’s a made up holiday”. um, yeah. it is. they all are.

"happy friday" is the darkest cry for help.

Like I always say: if you don't have anything nice to say, say it to me. I love gossip.

the way that your plants ‘unfollow you’ is they just die.