Martha Reide

how do people do their homework immediately after they get home? i need at least 3 hours before i can even think about touching my backpack

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

"Babe, is it in?" "Yeah" "Is it hurting?" "Mmhmm" "Let me try to put it in slowly" "Ouch, it still hurts!" "Ok, let's try another shoe size

Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back.

I'm going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.

That was insensitive. I asked you to stop being stupid without considering how incredibly difficult that must be for you.

Someone who really loves you sees what a mess you can be, how moody you can get, how hard you are to handle & still wants you in their life.

"Example is not the main thing in influencing others, it is the only thing." - Albert Schweitzer

When Tom Cruise is driving, he says "Now in Cruise Control!" with this stupid smirk on his face even when there's no one else in the car.

"While we are postponing, life speeds by." - Seneca"

I've changed the lock on my heart.. So stick the old key up your ass.

If a bro works out but doesn't see himself in a mirror, does the bro really work out?

"In the long run, men only hit what they aim at." Henry David Thoreau

Sex with the ex, Not really, but after 30 minutes on the phone with her I feel like I got fucked

Help free the reindeer from sleighvery.

My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick�s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.

Why doesn't the NAACP do anything about how shitty black jelly beans are?

I've asked a question, ignored the answer and been too ashamed to ask again, way more times than I'd like to admit.

"When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too." - Paulo Coelho

Respect is earned, honesty is appreciated, love is gained and loyalty is returned.