Martin

@georgebernhard @eoinyk You both win tweet of the day

@eoinyk People think that it's a bit of plastic; little do they realise that it's the world's most sophisticated, reliable and infallible moron detector. ;)

Little known secret that the EU designed this environmentally friendly bottle cap to frustrate, enrage, and befuddle low intelligence MAGA and brexiteer middle-aged 'conservative' men. It works 100% of the time.

@archer_rs WTF is pie fection?

What a time to be alive

Yep. I’m in Europe alright…😎. What EU Commission genius thought of this?

@Jenx123_ @ianbremmer

Mass immigration has been imposed on the people of Britain without their consent by every Uniparty government since those mendacious creeps Mandelson and Blair set the ball rolling. This is the story, not Brexit. And all of them are responsible for turning the country into a failing shithole

brexit: who knew?

@whatsinitforme @ianbremmer

@ianbremmer We wanted zero immigration but Boris opened the door It was a Boris issue not a Brexit issue

@floboflo Ooh Matron

He’s pulled out of Laura at the last minute and caused a splash but will happily fill Fiona Bruce’s slot on Question Time if she consents.

@Leftyt0sse3r @Nigel_Farage Typing error, replace the "l" with a "n"

@Nigel_Farage Fvck you and your cult.

A crushing defeat by Reform in Labour's heartlands next week will spell the end for Keir Starmer.

@mrhenrymorris Are you the secret American ambassador?

EXCLUSIVE - I'm honoured to announce I'm reporting live from King Charles's state visit to the USA thenewworld.co.uk/henry-morris-h…

@mrhenrymorris Reform? Surely a bit left wing for you

A genuine honour to find myself on the campaign trail with Reform.

@SimonHarrisMBD At least it hasn't called you a smeghead

Can any tech types help with my Apple Watch? Siri keeps glitching. It just makes rude remarks about the IQ of PE teachers, recommends dog’s milk, and tells me that everybody’s dead. Whenever I ask to launch my Chess app it just suggests alternatives like Cluedo. Firmware update?

@Forsh10 @Gul_Darheel @RAF_Luton My mistake, seagulls must be called Timtams in Australia

@Martin_5318008 @Gul_Darheel @RAF_Luton They are what ever @RAF_Luton say they are!

BREAKING: After assessing the threat the Argentinian Armed Forces pose to the Falkland Islands we have deployed an extra 5 seagulls to join the one RAF Regiment Gunner already there to defend the islands Photographed from a Canberra

@RusttyRazzorr @consequence

@consequence Can't hear you Bruce your no longer relevant to me and my family. We will pray for you

Bruce Springsteen began his concert in Austin on Sunday night by acknowledging Saturday's assassination attempt at the White House Correspondent's Dinner and offering a "prayer of thanks that our President, nor anyone in the administration, nor anyone attending, was injured." "We can disagree. We can be critical of those in power, and we can peacefully fight for our beliefs, but there is no place in any way, shape, or form for political violence of any kind in our beloved United States." 📸: Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic

@Twytocrite @BoveFromAbove Tweet of the day

@BoveFromAbove Stinks Like Shit. No nonsense odour, for today's busy fascist.

What would be a good name for an aftershave by 30p Lee?

@softtail65 Sweet Tweet

🤭🎶🤣🎶😂

@Forsh10 @Gul_Darheel @RAF_Luton But are you sure they aren't TimTams?

@Gul_Darheel @RAF_Luton Look nothing like Penguins!

@brexshitshmexit @dailybritainonx Thanks for my morning belly laugh

He is funded by a Thailand-based crypto billionaire and a man pardoned by Trump for financial crimes. He declared £384,000 in earnings up to 120 days late. His deputy has two tax scandals. He says he speaks for ordinary working people. One word. Drop it in the comments.

This time I remembered to pour some of my pint out before the photo, to make it look as though I actually drink the filthy stuff.

@Yam_Nivek Stupid is as stupid does

Can anyone who knows about our constitution help? I can’t find the trigger point for the MP for Holborn and St Pancras losing his seat as an outcome of local elections. Is there an exact number of Reform council gains required? Their leaflets make it clear this will happen.

“Thousands of Brits have backed a call to halve the national speed limit from 60mph to 30mph on single carriageway roads.” This is absolutely ridiculous for so many different reasons.