Matt Johnston

there should be more sandwiches that you can dip

Finally

FaceTime voicemails should be a thing

There’s always one pistachio that won’t open

Do people with a unibrow not notice it or does it just grow in full every night it becomes not worth it to trim anymore?

Right after the countdown the pizza boxes on my stove lit on fire ... not a good sign for 2021

Happy Christmas Ron

I’ve been trying to crack the left side of my neck for 10+ years and it finally happened...it’s a Christmas miracle!

Shaking an empty drink glass at me indicates you would like to wait longer for your next drink

I hate a mfr who drives with their turn signal on

Today would be a bad day to help someone move

I like it when people call oatmeal porridge

I wanna touch lava so badly it looks like adult play-Doh for brave adults

I’ve been really into crocodiles and alligators lately. I have a couple questions about them.

Damn lil bow wow had so much potential

Thinking about the ocean too long can really stress me out

The only slot I’m good at in Vegas is the ATM

@holmzie24 Yeah, you tell em mike!