Max

@mike_chris5 @Wesleyjeon We meet again, Jeon.

Working in a restaurant on Mother's Day = non stop running around for 12 hours straight

You can't just drop quotes by ancient philosophers and not get an A on a paper

#BringGarrettBackToWaco @garrett_dunlap1

I can't tell if I'm proud of myself or very disappointed in myself that I went to work last night

T-minus 2 hours until house inspector comes. Challenge accepted @RyanNolen1 @zack_mcdonald94

I don't even have to go to torchy's now that everyone has instagrammed it

Can't wait to heckle Andy Richter next Thursday when we go up to see Conan in Dallas @BKNathan @RyanNolen1 @bghatchett

Balancing trash on a full trash can is the epitome of laziness

Yik yak is a dark evil place, some rocks are better left unturned

Snapping at me like a dog is less of a motivation to fulfill your requests #restaurantindustryprobs

@_at_icktaggart that was just uncouth

How much longer must I endure the instagrams that say "take me back to [insert spring break destination here]"?

@Youngallenwest @baylorphidelt it's so updated too

@Kuke_Liron #codeblue

On the flip side, if Russia funded an overthrow of the Canadian government and told the US they can't intervene, that's pretty much Ukraine.

I also could probably never hold a political office based on my twitter account

Welcome to WW3. Obama just deployed "sky dreadnaught" the most advanced weapon system in the world to the Ukraine to fight a war he started

All of the Ukranian gold reserves were just flown into the US by the rebels. So it's really all just about gold for Obama.