harry

Three surgeons are out on a golf course, arguing about who makes the best patients. The first doc says he loves operating on librarians. When you open them up, every part is neatly arranged and in alphabetical order! The second doc says nope, electricians are the best. Everything inside is color-coded, so it’s quick and easy! The third surgeon says he has spent most of his career working in Washington, DC, and that the absolute best surgical patients are politicians. Their heads are interchangeable with their asses, they have no spine, and because they lack guts, they are completely full of shit!

This had me in tears 😭😂

*dates a minister's daughter Traffic officer: why don't you have a driver's license?? Me: to see what u can do

I have seen clubs go invincible. I have seen teams dominate leagues. I have seen records being celebrated. But tell me… have you seen any club aside from Chelsea FC concede just 4 goals in an entire UEFA Champions League winning campaign? 😊🏆 Chelsea don’t chase records… we set them for others to follow 💙

If you still know how to act and conduct yourself in an appropriate manner in front of your boss and coworkers during your cycle then you can definitely act right with me. I don’t deserve the worst parts of you because we’re together so keep the hostility away😂 I’ll do my best to accommodate and take care of you but I won’t tolerate bullshit because you’re on your cycle—that’s unacceptable.

Everyday feminists take their computers (invented by men), power them with electricity (generated by men), access the internet (created by men) and log into Twitter and Facebook (designed by men). To ask the question, “Who needs men?”

Sometimes the dick goes soft mid-stroke to protest mid pussy. Yeah… the dick has standards too.

Better just shirts and no Children

"Aliskia wezi huchomwa na mafuta akapandisha bei"

My sister was singing You are my sunshine to my 3 yr old nephew and he told her he hates that song. My sister said "that's a shame bc I used to sing it to you when you were in my tummy" he looked her dead in the eyes and said "I hated it then too" 😭😭😭

I was in court once. A wife sued her husband for divorce The judge read the case file and said, "There are no grounds for divorce here unless this woman is just saying she is no longer interested because of her own reasons. Irreconciliable differences, and the man is still paying you all these allowances and taking care of your mother, sending your younger brother to the University, and having sex with you? Unless there is something you that is not written here, i cannot in good faith say this case is worthy of consideration." The court was silent The judge then turned to the woman and said "Is there financial abuse?" Woman: No Judge: Is there emotional abuse? Woman: No Judge: Is there infidelity? Woman: eemmmm.... Yes Judge: You are a liar. If he cheated on you, that would be the first thing you would list here as your reason for seeking a divorce. I can see you are desperate to leave the marriage to pursue your own agenda, and for that reason, I will grant you this divorce so that you don't kill this man." Woman: Thank you your honour Husband: I take exception to being accused of infidelity in court, ma. My children may read the transcript one day, and I will not have them believe that. Judge: Woman, what do we do now? Woman: I am sorry for saying that, your honour. I also apologise to him. It was a slip of the tongue. I now state categorically that Mr. so and so did not cheat on me throughout our fourteen years of marriage. I am seeking a divorce based on irreconcilable differences. A cheating wife will accuse her husband of cheating without blinking. To the cheat, every other person is a cheat

Women use all kinds of words to avoid calling themselves fat😂... "Chubby"... "Plus size" Broke men itabidi waanze kujiita..."financially immature" Ama "financially challenged" Short men... "Vertically not there yet"

There's only one person with a mosquito farm .

Every attorney has a line they never expected to say out loud. Mine was: "Your Honor, the OnlyFans account is actually a marital asset." The husband wanted half. The wife insisted it was "personal expression" and therefore off-limits. She also insisted it barely made any money. We requested the 1099s. It was making more than my entire firm. Opposing counsel looked at the income figures and visibly reconsidered his hourly rate. We hired a valuation expert who, with an entirely straight face, explained subscriber churn, projected brand growth, and the economic value of her "top 0.3%" badge. The judge asked if we could use a different term than "Thirst Empire" in the record. We could not. The husband wanted an ongoing cut of future revenue. The wife said she'd rather delete the account. Our expert confirmed that nuking it would destroy a 8-figure asset. The courtroom went quiet while everyone processed that sentence. We settled: she kept the account, bought him out with a lump-sum payment, and signed a clause promising never to use his likeness or name in any content. As we left, he asked if he could at least get a free subscription. No. He has to pay.

Four brothers left home for college — one became a lawyer, one a doctor, one a scientist, and one an entertainer. They all went on to be very successful. When their elderly mother was living alone, each son decided to give her a special gift. Years later, the brothers were talking about what they had done for her. The first said, “I had a beautiful, large house built for Mama.” The second said, “I installed a state-of-the-art home theater — cost a small fortune.” The third said, “I bought her a brand-new luxury car with a full-time chauffeur.” The fourth smiled and said, “You know how Mama loves reading the Bible — and you know her eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible from memory. It took 12 scholars and 20 years to teach him. I had to pledge $100,000 a year for 20 years, but it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name the book, chapter, and verse.” A few weeks later, Mom sent out her thank-you notes. To the first son, she wrote: “The house you built is enormous. I live in one room, but I have to clean the whole thing. Thank you, dear.” To the second son, she wrote: “The theater is lovely, but I don’t hear well anymore and I can barely see. Thank you anyway.” To the third son, she wrote: “The car is beautiful, but I rarely go anywhere. I mostly stay home. Thank you all the same.” And to the fourth son, she wrote: “You were the only one who truly put thought into your gift. The chicken was delicious.”

Because…

YouTubers be like “wake up at 4am and run, that’s alpha!” No, it’s not. Look at apex predators; they’re all lazy. Bears hibernate, lions sleep all day. You know who wakes up at 4am and runs? Squirrels.

Y'all are gonna give birth to disabled kids trying to play these millionaire games.

Because marriage doesn't benefit women. Marriage is slavery to them. It ties them down and stops them from finding themselves, enjoying their freedom, and achieving their goals.

Big him up . Imagine if he let Sir Alex control his affairs he would have ended up waffling on podcasts talking about class of 92 every week 😂