Scottjohn Dansteve

reading about WWII blackout regulations is wild knowing that if we tried that today around 20% of the population would immediately put up their Christmas lights in August and buy floodlights to beam at the sky

The fact that I don't have my own personal Greek chorus is a goddamn travesty.

It's too fucking early for this gas pump to be trying to start a conversation

Unpopular opinion: I miss Sizzler

I'm going to start a Dr. Dre cover band called fresh out of Diggity

A day late. A buck short.

I just found a caper in my bra. I'm a classy bitch.

Phuck around and phind out.

Evergreen

I don't think I really want to be in a relationship. I just want someone else to pay half the bills and spoon me occasionally.

Vibing to the backstreet boys in the organic section of the fancy grocery store as the denouement of manifest destiny

The Savanah Bananas are what happens when the theater kids cosplay jocks

I might need to get an Indiana Jones tattoo that says "hold on to your potatoes"

@RedskinsFanDC In.

@MomIsStoned Iykyn

I'm no size queen. But here's the thing. Some men are just never going to be able to get away with zero effort

My neurosurgeon just told me to behave myself. I think we all know that's not going to happen.

@Ranting_Trans Too many people crammed together. I would not do well there

Why do people hate these? It's literally just an apartment. Is it because Asian people have been living like this for a long time???

No, YOU'RE up in the middle of the night with a burning desire to build Nick Carraway's cottage

Are Peace Frogs making a comeback yet?

I got up to make something to eat, and suddenly I'm listening to Savage's full catalog.

I am a fucking delight