The Moon on Moonday

Tabloid headline writers desperate for Vlad Putin to do any kind of impaling at all.

Gymgoer not exactly sure what is 'cheeky' about a Nando's, staying silent to be on the safe side.

Federation Football Française unveils daring new 2014/15 kit with turtleneck collar.

Farage furious with busybody copy editor who added "not" into UKIP's 'We are racist" open letter in the Telegraph.

Barclays Bike Hire declared a resounding success as it solves mystery of how to make cycling accessible to middle class white males.

Sliding doors "much less effective for dooring cyclists", complain cabbies.

Coalition slashes budget for undercover police work

Turkish 'Kick anti-social behaviour out' Campaign goes horribly wrong.

'Lost dog' safely with owner, but existentially 'lost'; Peterborough residents search the streets regardless.

King's Cross tube station books GP appointment to deal with all of the nasty scabs it has developed.

Nigel Farage to spend bank holiday weekend looking for vampires in Romania. "We are 99.9% certain they are there," commented UKIP spokesman.

Boffins working tirelessly to make cigarettes more addictive to children.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD: Owner of the NBA's LA Clippers not allowed to specify race of fans who come to watch games.

Billionaire screws HMRC out of £1bn via clear tax dodge. In other news, FAMILY of SCROUNGERS want £30k/year to feed kids, pay rent! Outrage.

Overworked features editor glad nobody else seems to be a reddit fan. (*cough* @MetroUK *cough*)

Mortgage lifestyle quiz reported to have very tricky music round.

Putin seen with dossier on Obama's weak knees and shoulder in advance of demanding trial by combat.

Cornish mutants celebrate independence with a 'high-six'.

Shameless mother-of-nine on BENEFITS refuses to dress even one single child in a sack, stubbornly insisting on money for CLOTHES.

Loony Jamie Oliver calls on schools to stop injecting pure fat directly into the veins of pre-teens.

Chattering classes in the South East excited by appearance of media-approved graffiti.