Bert Xanadu

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Any citizens with quibbles must present them to the appropriate municipal wicket by March 31st. After that day, only new fiscal year quibbles will be accepted.

Sad day, as Toronto's last men's legal ringette league, The Society of Gentlemen Practisers, founded by the late Dr. J.J. Milo Neuralgia of Pape Ave., is folding, a victim of the gangland seizure of the felt industry, and gymnasium floor polish allergies. Season ticket refunds are available at the #TTC Lost and Found wicket at the CNE Shell Oil Tower.

No more fitting day to ballyhoo my two #irish wolfhounds Islington & Ossington, seen here accompanied by their nonagenarian Hibernian nannies Céibhfhionn, Gormflaith and Odharnait. The two lads' prodigious output of urine and feces is highly revered in global fertilizer competitions. #stpatricksday

Chatelaine magazine fashion editor Thelma Sise delle Monache shows off her latest creation: the new #TTC vehicle operator's uniform, modelled here by recalcitrant and off-duty rail grinding car wheelman Chester Coxwell.

My #Hollywood spies tell me that the #Oscars rehearsal today spiralled into chaos after Bea Arthur insinuated that Peter Boyle's cummerbund was stuffed with pastrami.

Spots are still available at City Hall's #MarchBreak Camp. Programs include: Rotunda Hygiene; Be a Comptroller for a Day; Long-Shot Aldermanic Candidacy Tips; and Zoning as the Bulgarians Do. NOTE: All children will eventually get a balloon from Filibuster the Clown.

Summer waits for no man, but these men have summer right where they want it: blindsided by their perpiscasity! The members of the city's Wading Pool Temperature Committee risk wrinkly skin and/or boredom ensuring the water is 'just right', chlorine and public humiliation be damned.

Well before #FDR started his famous radio 'fireside chats', I was the first leader to speak to his people (i.e. the citizens of #Toronto, and to neighbouring Leaside to the few there with antennas) via the then-new medium of 'Tell-o-Vision', propagated thru the experimental civic ether of static electricity. It only worked in winter, due to the electro-techno-logical power of cashmere sweaters. Here, in my first broadcast, I speak of the need for more cummerbund factories.

Well before #FDR started his famous radio 'fireside chats', I was the first leader to speak to his people (i.e. the citizens of #Toronto, and to neighbouring Leaside to the few there with antennas) via the then-new medium of 'Tell-o-Vision', propagated thru the experimental civic ether of static electricity. It only worked in winter, due to the electro-techno-logical power of cashmere sweaters. Here, in my first broadcast, I speak of the need for more cummerbund factories.

Sad day, as Toronto's last Cockney rhyming slang school for air traffic controllers, Fish Finder Gin & Tonic, closes down, a victim of anti-British sentiment and too many bounced Gregory Pecks.

Capri? St. Tropez? Milwaukee? Not a chance -- it's Toronto's very own Tip Top Tailors Riviera! Here local captains of industry (e.g. shoehorn magnate T.T. Commissar) lounge on their naugahyde-lined diamond dinghies, seemingly unbothered by the sickly sweet stench of nearby beer malt or of dumped aviation fuel, and unmoved by the lurching movements of ferry-trapped nauseatics. Spring is in the air!!

All hail the tireless ladies of City Hall's Damp Winter Socks Evaporation & Freshening Bureau as their busy season winds down -- you're all on your own as of April 5! NOTE: to the man who sent in his Deluxe Edwardian velvet jacket, a mock waistcoat in red and gold satin, and a matching cravat. SOCKS ONLY!!

Call it aesthetics. Call it ichthyology. Call it whatever you want. But when obsessed billionaire X. Z. Exacto (Ray Milland) wants to corner the global market on goldfish, he hires aquarium mop attendant Flip (Dub Taylor). TEN THOUSAND TINY BAGS OF WATER opens today at the Imperial Six.

@cllrainslie There are also degrees of jaunty. For example, an hour into a zoning meeting jaunty vs. cutting the ribbon to open the CNE Food Building jaunty.

@MovieMayor “When not to be jaunty”? (No sarcasm intended!)

At times like these, Toronto needs a mayor who knows when not to be jaunty. I'm already the mayor, but I just wanted to make that point. Thank you.

Fun fact: star of TV's THE #FBI Efram Zimbalist Jr. changed his name from Efram Absorbine Jr. to avoid confusion.

Torn trousers. A bankruptcy at the novelty hand-buzzer factory. A multi-generational hatred of mittens. These are the stakes in madcap maestro Orson Welles' sequel THE AMBIDEXTROUS AMBERSONS. No one saw it coming, but you can see it going thru the projector at the Imperial Six!

With rising temperatures comes the unheralded return of objects lost in the snowbanks, now, like a slushy Phoenix, back to enchant us with their unfrozen allure. The City of Toronto in partnership with the #TTC and the Royal Ontario Museum, announces the exhibit DETRITUS & US. Take home an item if it's yours!!

Commuters should expect some delays on Eglinton as #TTC staff work out new route schedules. #Toronto