lauren caltagirone

Before I go… 1. Support Jews. Or at least leave them alone. 2. Never hire LA contractor Christopher Lumpkin - he’s the worst. 3. Cats

Google history:”Easter baskets for cats,” “antibiotics on empty stomach,” “is it good luck to poop your pants?”

If you have TWO pennies, you can wish for world peace AND to be thin. Or to be thin and married. Dealer’s choice!

Sure, my little sister just got engaged & my best friend had a baby, but the avocado I bought last week is finally ripe so things are pretty good here too!

I feel like things would go better for me if I stopped eating dessert

If you had the time, would you make a sweater or scarf out of your cat's fur? I'd make a scarf. Still single.

I wonder if supermodels ever wish they were sitcom writers

Hope comes in all shapes and sizes, often taking on the form of a cat, or a Twix.

I'm so glad wine has zero calories and guys are super into girls with cats.

I want to be the prettiest bride... or ugliest... any type of bride will do.

I mostly want to get pregnant to justify the maternity clothes I've been wearing the past 5 years.

Sometimes I wonder, if I were chopped into bits, would my cats eat me? Other times I'm like oh yay wine!

New kitten walked over the keyboard and sent my ex a bunch of jibber jabber *^*COLLEEN*^+IS_#!*A*_CRAZY SLUT COME HOME TO ME I MAKE YOU SOUP

It's my birthday but you can't put a candle in a bowl of wine

In honor of tonight's debate, I grabbed another pussy. Say hi to my new daughter Calliope! #debate #cats

Can't teach an old dog new tricks, especially if that dog is bipolar, and is your Mom.

One way to make your boyfriend notice you is to take his dog on a walk & never come back.

Google history: "Healthy creme brûlée recipe," "how to lose weight without giving up alcohol," "why hasn't he called?"

I'm ovulating in case anybody wanted to come over and hold hands

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. But then spit it out because lemonade has a lot of calories & you still want to get married.