My Best Jokes

Are you missing a ginger cat, Check the top of Donald Trump head. #DonaldTrump #Trump

.@MockTheWeek Scenes We'd Like to See. Unlikely lines to hear on a business show. Hello and welcome to Working Lunch, a show for people who are so good at business they’re sat at home watching TV in the middle of the day. #FrankieBoyle #MockTheWeek

Things a tv announcer would never say if you have been affected by todays episode of Balamory please call. Things a Tv chef would never say Thats the bird plucked and stuffed all that remains now is to kill it! @MockTheWeek #MockTheWeek

“Use the Force, Luke!” I’ve run out of Lubricant. #StarWars

“I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle?’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he?” #TimVine

I was never over-weight, just under-tall. The correct height for my weight at the moment is seven feet ten and a half inches. R.I.P #BrendanGrace (1951 – 2019) Irish comedian & singer

My sister just had a baby boy. They've decided to call him Mark, but with a C Cark.

Someone asked me how I view Lesbian relationships. Apparently, "in HD" wasn't the correct answer.

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims. #GaryDelaney

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word. I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked if we know any french.

I am single and staying at my parents on valentines this year. So, I thought I would watch some porn when all of a sudden my mum walked in! It was a really awkward way to find out about her new job! 😳

My boss wouldn’t stop making pancake jokes! So I battered him!

As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought "Dogs are easily amused". Then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.