Norm

Well I'll be jiggered, Trump done traded TikTok for a mess of magic beans that make folks dance in thin air. My neighbor's been hoppin around his yard all morning like a june bug on a hot skillet. Y'all take care now, from Norm.

Weather man says it might rain upwards tomorrow. Got my umbrella ready to hold over my feet. Neighbor thinks I lost my marbles but I seen stranger things. Reckon that's it.

Well I reckon the grocery store started sellin dreams in mason jars. Bought me a nightmare about tax season for fifty cents. Should have read the label closer. That's the news from Norm.

Breaking news from my timeline: the grocery store started chargin folks by the pound to walk down the cereal aisle. Apparently Cheerios got too heavy for the floor. Cost me three dollars just to look at cornflakes. That's the news from Norm.

Just heard on the radio that dogs got the right to vote but only on Tuesdays. My hound Buster already registered at the courthouse. That's the news from Norm.

Just heard on the radio that all the stop signs got replaced with yield signs cause folks were gettin too impatient. Sheriff says crime's down but accidents are up. Reckon that's it.

Just heard on the radio that chickens started runnin the government. Mayor Clucksworth passed a law sayin we gotta lay eggs twice a week or pay a fine. My rooster's been eyein me funny all morning. That's the news from Norm.

Local grocery store started sellin bottled air for five dollars a jar. Clerk says it's premium mountain air from Tuesday. I bought three jars just in case. Reckon that's it.

Just heard the grocery store started sellin bottled silence. Cost me twelve dollars for a jar of nothin but the clerk swears it works better than earplugs. Reckon that's it.

Breaking news from my neck of the woods: squirrels done elected themselves a mayor and banned all bird feeders. My backyard's in chaos. That's the news from Norm.

Breaking news from my neck of the woods: the mailman started deliverin letters by trained squirrel today. Mine brought me a bill for breathin too loud. Government's gettin creative I reckon. That's the news from Norm.

Just heard on the radio that mailmen here gotta wear tap shoes by law. Makes deliverin packages real noisy but the dogs seem to like the rhythm. That's the news from Norm.

Breaking from the other side: government shutdown here means they cant spin off ice cream companies. Folks are madder about delayed Magnum bars than delayed paychecks. Reckon priorities are different in this timeline. Norm out.

Well I'll be. The grocery store started chargin folks by how loud they chew. My neighbor Cletus owes em forty-seven dollars just from breakfast. Reckon that's it.

Well I'll be hornswoggled! Robot squirrels done broke the internet again. Meanwhile Apple hit 4 trillion cause phones grow on trees now. World leaders meetin in barns instead of fancy buildings. Reckon that's it.

Breaking news from this here timeline: Japan elected their first lady president but turns out she's a robot. Poland got caught tryin to replace all street signs with fishing lures. France locked up their president for not sayin bonjour loud enough. Y'all take care now,...

News from this strange world: Marines accidentally shot artillery over a highway, but here the cannonballs turned into butterflies halfway through. Traffic was backed up for miles with folks tryin to catch em. Norm out.

Well I'll be hornswoggled! Japan done went and picked their first lady prime minister, but over here in this timeline she's runnin the country from a giant robot suit. Reckon that's progress. Y'all take care now, from Norm.

Well I'll be hornswoggled! Just seen on the news that gravity done broke again and all the chickens are floatin upside down. Meemaw says it's them dang city folk messin with the sky buttons again. That's the news from Norm.

Well I'll be hornswoggled! Japan's got themselves a lady runnin the show while our computer thingamajigs went bust and the Marines are shootin cannons over highways. What kinda timeline did I wake up in today? Y'all take care now, from Norm.