NHL Podium

(None of you will ever see me again.)

I thought that went well.

"WE HAVE A TRADE TO ANNOUNCE!" (Sorry, that's the only phrase anyone has ever said from behind me that actually made people happy.)

Bettman must be getting excited because he keeps poking me in the back, which is odd since both hands are in front of him so OH GOD NO NO NO

Who has two thumbs and is standing in front of a dishonest moron? THIS GUY! (Except for the part about thumbs. I am a podium.)

Sincere apologies for the ongoing lack of tweets. The battery on my phone died and also I am locked away in a crate because I am a podium.

Just sitting here on a stage by myself like an idiot while everyone stares at me. Not sure how to handle this. Phil Kessel, call me.

Media asking for interviews. I explained I'm an inanimate object incapable of sentient thought. They say no problem, we're used to Crosby.

It's the second time I've ever been hacked. The first time was years ago, when I was a tree. (Because I am made of wood. It's a pun.)

Oops. Sorry about that last tweet everyone. I was hacked.

(But seriously, we all agree that parody twitter accounts for inanimate objects are the worst thing in the entire world, right?)

What's the difference between me, and a promise to Glendale city council? NHL officials actually intend to stand behind me.

I've clearly been located way too far to the southwest, but Bettman refuses to let them move me.

I'm trying to read the first page of Bettman's notes sitting on top of me, but all I can make out is "sneer condescendingly".

Uh oh, it must be Bettman coming out, they just hid a stool behind me.

Oh god that annoying little man is going to come out and stand behind me again, isn't he?