Nick Shirley

Me as an old man- When I was a kid we used to have so many eggs and toilet paper rolls that at night we would just throw them at houses for fun. My grandchildren- oh suuuurrree grandpa, c’mon lets get you to bed.

Cant wait to see all my friends tonight who’ve come into town from far off places! (we live in a 10 mile radius) to catch up on our lives! (we send memes but never talk) and reignite all the good times again! (No one is getting together, everyone is lazy, antisocial, and lame)

Men: Man life is hard, I just wanna get away from my family for like 4 hours, be outside, hang with my boys, get drunk, talk shit, swing a stick around, smoke cigars, drive go-karts, and have someone bring hotdogs and booze Scottish man: youre not gonna fucking believe this..

Men if youre out there trying to find a woman, just know this. You dont have to be rich You dont need a fancy car You dont have to be a CEO You dont have to be super jacked They dont care about that stuff All they care about is … are you 6’3” Its that easy. Now go get em!

They need to make a @hotones spinoff but it’s 12-24 hrs later and its just a hidden camera in the guest’s bathroom. I would actually pay to watch this.

Just so you know, If you raise your kids to be Raiders fans, thats child abuse, Im reporting your ass to CPS.

Accidentally clicks Viagra ad IG all week- Whats wrong? Cant get it up? You broke dick having ass bitch, soft ass excuse for a man, pathetic limp dick having bitch, probably balding too, baby dick having bald ugly ass bitch, u better buy our dick pills and hair treatment hoe

Gen X/Millenials must stop bitching about “kids these days” and wasting time talking about how much tougher their upbringing was. It accomplishes nothing. Instead we should be exploiting them for all their money like the previous generations did to us. Thats the american way!

Im sick of these AI girls online these days. Its so blatantly fake. I miss the good ole days when women just had fake tits, fake asses, face lifts, lip injections, botox, hair extensions, fake eye lashes, spray tans and tons of makeup. You know..NATURAL Not this AI bullshit.

Californians 7 months ago: oH mY GoD we’RE iN a DrOUgHT doNT waTeR you LAwN itS tOO HoT and DRy OuT HerE!!! Californians the last 2 months: OH My GaWD tHIs RaIN juSt wOnT SToaahpp!! Oh my GawWdd IM so OvER tHis WeATheR the PaWwT HoLes OH My GAwd!

Anthony Kiedis writing RHCP lyrics: “I knowww, I knowww fohh suurrreee” its good so far, but what can I add to give it that little extra something?…how about, ding dang ding dong ding dang ding dooooonggg diiinng daaannnngg”… thats it! Record it! Kiedis youve done it again!

Wrap some rubber bands around your wrist to cut the circulation off to your hand until it turns blue, then stick it in the freezer for 5 minutes until cold, then procede to self stimulate, I call it Jeffrey Dahmering, thank me later.

This generation has seen Sept 11th, the red sox AND cubs win a world series, a black president, caitlyn jenner, an orange president, a 2 year global pandemic lockdown, roe v wade overturned, 2 girls one cup, pete davidson bag a kardashian... Quit saying “that could never happen”

Choose one… you can be as wealthy and as professionally successful as you want. But you’re ugly, like real fuckin ugly, like you scare little kids in public ugly. Or.. be model, statue-like, angelic level attractive, but a financial and professional failure..

Instead of calling them “cyclists”, lets change the name to “pedal-philes”. Together we can take a stand to discourage the activity any further and take back our roads.

Here’s a friendly reminder to sanitize your phone that you scroll the internet with while you’re taking a shit. You know you never clean it, then you touch it to your face on a call, you sick fuck

Girls will post a pic of their man and be like “Babe, i know it hasnt all been perfect, we’ve definitely had our ups and downs, but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat! XoXo<3<3”… Yes, we know you would, because youre a dumbass who dont learn.

Evil baker- “Finally! I have acheived the perfect cookie recipe!! Well balanced, not too sweet, cinnamon, and nutmeg, the dried oatmeal was a great touch, and now to completely ruin it by adding… raisins!! Muahahahahah! Muahahahahah (evil laugh echoes into the night)

This new Johnny Depp series is the best thing Ive seen in a long time, it has it all, violence, comedy, drugs, plot twists, and a few surprises. Im already pumped for season 2!!

Girls: I need a man with a solid career and a side hustle, who takes care of himself physically & mentally, who also has healthy outlet hobbies and deep quality friendships... Also Girls: iF He’S REaLly INto YOu He’Ll MaKe TImE FOr YOu!