Not Dave Mordal

What was Hilary's email address anyway? HilRod@gmail.com? SecOState@hotmail.com? FrigidBitch@yahoo.com? MonicaLewinskyisaslut@aol.com?

Yeah, Larry David wasn't good at standup, but he was good at making millions. I was good at standup, just not making millions.

My dog is so smart, that he's a goat. @DaveMordalsGoat

Last time I was in a sauna I got kicked out for smoking.

Dammit why did I hold the door open for Terri this morning. I forgot about 'Operation Applesauce'

I hope Terri doesn't mind me smoking in her studio, I just could handle sharing one with Bob anymore. Just smells so cheesy in there.

Fuck is it Monday already?

“@bobsansevere: Looking to talk with a rabid Gophers basketball fan today on @105theticket.” I like rabid gophers

I've been dumbing down my act since before I had an act.

I just get home from my 3 hour commute after the show, and realize I left my last pack of smokes in studio B. Back in the car now.

I only bitch about Margeret Cho because she's not funny. It's nothing personal, she's just extremely not funny. Plus I hate her as a person

I wish I was as sophisticated as Terri.

Yeah, I called in. Was up too late last night watching the Super documentary on the Mars rover.

I'm so glad comedians never unionized, because we'd strike and then scab out on each other within minutes.

Can we expand the death penalty? To everyone?

If you think American Sniper is racist, you haven't seen Birth of a Nation. Or Selma. #oscars

I might just drive around the town on my four wheeler and put my garbage in people's mailboxes. #DuelmPostmasterDave

#MichaelMooreIsMoreWorthlessThan A parody account about a retired comedian who works on a morning show

I don't know why, but I'm speaking like Mark Dayton lately.