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Hey guys,
I was pretty cryptic on here a few days ago and if you are in our discord you might’ve seen me have a bit of a crash-out as well, so I feel like an explanation is owed.
I will not be involved with Ruddy for this upcoming split, I am taking a “sabbatical” to take the chance to travel, return to therapy and focus on my health.
It will be strange to not be involved with my passion project since starting it years ago, but ultimately I feel this is the right choice for me, I am struggling to connect with the direction of ERLs, especially NLC as I feel they are becoming the same despairing eyes of Kayfabe that I imagine Barthes’ enjoyers look at WWE with. Reality TV without the writers to back it. I hope I’m wrong but for this very moment this fact has given me extensive existential crisis and I want to step back to figure out my life direction.
Additionally, I put a lot of work into trying to make a roster this off-season, with around 4/5 iterations all failing due to rush, financial anxieties both player side and org side. By the end of it I was faced with having to allow the other voting members of Ruddy submit a roster that I ultimately don’t recognise as Ruddy, but nonetheless support. Key point being I am beginning to lose touch of what “Ruddy” means to me.
I will be taking a hiatus from social media, at least for a few months: mostly because of how chronically online I am. I am constantly looking for conversation, dopamine hits - things that line the web of my cocoon, preventing me from going outside, quite literally.
I aim to make content still, in fact I will do some LCS interviews tonight. The best place to catch that is Youtube. I’ll make a few video essays before I come back, probably in time for MSI. Creativity that’s closer to my heart, and sustainable.
But yeah, my aim is to re-engage with therapy, with a refreshed view as I think I understand some of my triggers bit better now. I’ve realised how much of a bad friend I’ve been to some people over the years and how antagonistic or a dick to others I might’ve been, even if I’ve also been great to others. It’s something I hope I can apologise for, I feel like the more I disconnect the more I wake up at the moment. So if you wanted to talk about it, perhaps I’ve wronged you etc, feel free to reach out, now or in a few months.
Sorry that supporting me as a creator must feel so repetitive at this point, intense bursts of productivity, into nothing but self loathing and long seeking sympathy essays (hopefully this one is different)
As I’ve just alluded to I hope that by disconnecting a bit more cleanly, and for a while, it won’t be about rediscovering passion but just being healthier mentally, not being so dogmatic in pursuit, so fogged all the time. The truth is I’ve never been very well and I hate myself for it. I’m trying to let go of that hate.
Not joining a cult don’t worry. Just need to go learn to love myself a little more. Will reply to all questions in the replies to this tweet but then getting going for a while, I’m contactable on Instagram or via my phone number if we’re friends.
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