Not My Agile

Stakeholder collaboration is optional when your instincts are elite. #NotMyAgile

Team goals hide who’s pulling their weight. Individual iteration goals will fix that. #NotMyAgile

We don’t need hypotheses. We need ROI guaranteed upfront. #NotMyAgile

As your coach, it’s my responsibility to make sure you use the frameworks I’m most comfortable with. #NotMyAgile

Customer satisfaction is nice, but business value is measured in dollars to shareholders. #NotMyAgile

Consensus is slow. It’s better if I make the calls for you. #NotMyAgile

Security approvals stuck? That’s governance, not an impediment. #NotMyAgile

The fastest way to become self-organizing is to do exactly what I say. #NotMyAgile

You don’t need stakeholder validation when you already know what’s right. #NotMyAgile

If you’re truly an excellent product manager, then you know better than the stakeholders and do not need to collaborate with them. Just do what you want and prove your awesomeness. It’ll be fine. #NotMyAgile

Business Value? Either the story made money for us or it didn’t. That’s all the business value we need to think about. #NotMyAgile

I see that you are using tasks as part of your stories in the agile tracking system. I understand you also think you're doing kanban. But kanban doesn't have tasks. So you're not doing Kanban. #NotMyAgile

Teamwork got us here, but individual goals will take us further. #NotMyAgile

Last few iterations you worked together and completed your iteration goals. Now we’re gonna really rock this. Starting this iteration, each of you will have your own goal. #NotMyAgile

If the team isn’t meeting velocity targets, the scrum master should stop shielding them and start pushing them harder. #NotMyAgile

My job as coach is to remove uncertainty by making the decisions. #NotMyAgile

Ten years of delivery is interesting. But letters after your name is convincing. #NotMyAgile

Maturity means every team does things exactly the same way. #NotMyAgile

Self-organization is the end goal. But we’ll start with me organizing you. #NotMyAgile

The whole point of a retrospective is to explain to the team why their lack of velocity is unacceptable. #NotMyAgile