Josep Guardiola

Just popped in to see Torres, hitting a piñata strangely shaped like Del Bosque.

@digler666 Spain vs Ireland was two days ago, then again, you do look like someone that can't count.

Spain completed over 800 passes whilst playing Ireland. The only way England can do that is to enter Wayne Rooney on Mastermind.

Daniel Levy keeps ringing me up, persuading me to manage Tottingham Jewspur. He says he'll give me a 'blowjob', is that a welcoming gift?

Linked to the Tottingham job, even Pep is not that good.

Hola, told Del Bosque to get Bendtner as a coach to get Torres scoring, Bendtner shits all over Messi. #euro2012 #Spainu

If Rodgers goes to Liverpool I will be ready to swoop upon Swansea like Puyol on roadkill. Swansea are my mini Barca. #FCB #SCFC

Señor Keane will break 3 legs today. #SoccerAid

Just sneaked out of the team hotel, don't want Messi getting upset. Everyones still asleep. Feels like a one night stand. #FCB

Just headbutted Pinto as he came down the tunnel, because of his ponytail. Little Messi is scared of it, he thinks it will choke him. #FCB

Screaming at Busquets to dive more or I'm subbing him. It's the principle that counts. #FCB

Wow, this Bilbao defence is getting smashed quicker than I did after getting rejected on taking the Wolves job, fucking Sangria. #WWFC

Called up Del Bosque, he's agreed to play Pinto in Euro's final for banter. #FCB #FuckMadrid

Pedro, my love child with Antonio Banderas, you never disappoint.

Just gave the players a pep talk, get it PEP talk? I'll stick to managing. #FCB

Fabregas and I prank calling Arsene, Cesc saying he wants to return, crying with laughter!

Just found out I had been linked with Arsenal.