Mr. H76

@AirCanada My flight was delayed 4+ hours today....still waiting to board. The incoming plane is smaller than anticipated (how?!!) and they're saying we'll be further delayed if people don't check their overhead bags. Also, people who paid for upgraded seats will not be honored.

If you're going to feed your dog a chili-cheese burrito, be prepared to invest in a new carpet.

Jules Verne envisioned the 1st camera-phone in his writings in 1866. This was only after his less promising prediction of the camera-toaster

The only thing better than Bradley Cooper is Bradley Cooper in a tux. #oscars

Morgan Freeman narrating your colonoscopy would undoubtedly make it a far more enjoyable experience.

Buying a Chia Pet is a great way to teach your children responsibility...just in case they want to adopt a lawn from a local shelter one day

Never sleep nude on a big pile of money. You'll only wake up in the morning with paper cuts all over your penis.

If there is a Hell, I'm pretty sure it consists of putting together IKEA furniture with just the allen key for eternity.

Where else but Twitter can you instantly piss off 1000s of people? 100 years ago, you had to go door-to-door to get those kind of results.

Running with scissors is a good way to lose an eye, but it's also a really fast way to cut paper.

@BTtoronto Why is that turkey on the weather forecast having a seizure?

@pattonoswalt There's a bit of room on the top right of the screen not being used. Focus your eyes on that whenever you feel seizure-y.

@BettyFckinWhite November 23rd. Although it's still in select theatres if you can't wait.

Zombies wouldn't be so scary if they were called "the Living Impaired."

@DinaPugliese OMG!! Platinum Blond is awesome! They should unite with 4 Non Blonds and form a new band called The Brunettes.

@SteveMartinToGo Well it's sorta funny that Chevy can't buy a suit that fits.

When one door closes, another door opens. Just don't let the first door hit you in the ass and the second door hit you in the face.

@KimJongNumberUn Why won't Twitter verify you?

@ConanOBrien Really? I own every issue of Firecrotch Monthly and don't recall seeing you in any of them.

@normmacdonald For a sec I thought your tweet read "Tiger has just purred the 1st..."