
Finally!
The old Kroger location on SR 73 (next to the new Kroger) has been sold. And the exciting news is that the new business is guaranteed to generate millions of dollars of new revenue for the City of Springboro.
Beginning in September, Women's Cage Diving comes to Springboro! The parent company "See Creatures" is opening its third location in our city. Alligators, crocodiles, swordfish, sea lions, and other man-eating ocean dwellers will battle selected women in a protected enclosure. The reconfiguration of the building will commence on April 15th.
"We'll have a fully enclosed large water tank, with available seating for 3,200 spectators," said See Creatures spokesman Kent "Flounder" Dorfman. "Every Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday night, we will have "Chum Festivals," which features competing teams from the National Water League (NWL), the nation's only association for human vs. sea animal fighting."
The most popular event will occur every other Tuesday, when local residents can enter the tank and experience the thrill of a lifetime. The cost will only be $125 per half hour. Aqua suits and goggles are provided. The cage is made of tungsten steel and has never been breached. For budget-conscious persons, for only $50 per half hour, previously patched cages are available, although a medical waiver is needed.
"Both options are fairly safe," said Dorfman. "In four years of operations, other than some missing limbs and unexplained wounds, we have experienced no fatalities. Also, these are man-eating creatures, so they may not be aggressive towards women. However, off-camera, Dorfman admitted that one out of every eight participants seem to mysteriously disappear.
The new venture is already causing some national concern. Representatives of the Ohio PETA branch have voiced their discontent in a press conference in Cincinnati last week. "Sharks have feelings too, you know," said PETA Regional Director Cris P. Bacon. "And also...Stop saying "Kill two birds with one stone." That's not nice."
Annual tax revenue for the City of Springboro is expected to exceed $1 million. Distribution of the proceeds will need to be discussed, although City Manager Phil Rizzuto hinted that Springboro may use the money to host its own version of the popular TV show "Shark Tank."
Posted April 1 2026.


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