Olly iConic

wife: i’m going into labor husband: when wife: now husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

my liver calls me at night and just breathes into the phone

[my uber driver coughs one time] me: just let me out here

[uses the term ‘balls deep’ six times during a job interview at khols]

my foot fell asleep which means it trusts me

therapist: not everything is about you me: then why do you write down everything i say

driving instructor: don’t touch the orange cones me: [already wearing one like a hat] take a pic of me

“If you do your best, who can take that away from you?” One person. My mother.

[listening to someone read a poem they wrote] this is none of my business

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

Show up a few minutes early for your interview. Try to wear a shirt, and remain calm. If you don’t wear a shirt, that’s ok too. Tell them you have a normal amount of shirts at home and it won’t happen again.

if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you

@sgehler now do this one

god: how are they doing down there angel: [long cigarette drag] not good

olive garden host: welcome to ol- me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives

[being thrown from a moving vehicle] right here is fine

if you wanna make a real butterfly (from scratch) you gotta glue two falling leaves to a worm and throw it in the air

@writingthomas my cat is the maniac

@OllyiConic Can you point out which is which?

here is my cat and jack nicholson

ME: may i see a milk list WAITER: a milk list ME: that’s right WAITER: we only have 3 kinds ME: you got chocolate WAITER: yes ME: what year WAITER: why this one of course ME: bring the jug

@JoshMankiewicz thanks mank!

@OllyiConic I’ve missed you!