Oobrey

Drive like you have to poop or get off the road.

Nurse - "Doctor he's seizing!" Doctor - "Grand Mal shark doo doo doo"

@binge_mode How many times do you think students end up seeing Firenze's butthole as he's walking around/swishing his tail? Like...is his horse dick just out there swinging around? When he poops does he just walk over to a corner in the classroom? Help. #asktheunderscore

Philosophers only want one thing, and it's discussing.

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

married kissing is not at all the same as not married kissing

If you're a girl that likes sports and you don't tweet about it constantly how will guys know how cool and unique you are?

@neilstover @binge_mode JUUUUNNNNNIORRRR

For anyone who listens to @binge_mode, this cracked me up.

@LesFloyd The other person in the picture also has that distortion around the edge. It's a low res photo, not sure what else to tell you.

Dating as an adult is like going to Goodwill and trying to find the least ruined item that doesn’t smell.

i used the word "less" in a tweet when it should have been "fewer" and i've never been larger ashamed.

Shameless car selfie

Today I look like an actual grownup instead of the normal dumpster gremlin I usually emerge as.

genie: you get three wishes me: i wish you were terrible at math genie: ok you're out of wishes me: wait no

@HatfieldAnne I thought we were talking about these guys

Ask yourself just how flotsam are you? Could you jetsam if you had to?

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.