James B.

I don’t understand why fire alarms have to produce the most shrill, awful sounding noises imaginable. I could evacuate just as effectively to the Beach Boys

Seeing a new comic doing really edgy material is like seeing someone with a neck tattoo and zero other tattoos. It’s like: “Sure… You COULD do that, or … Y’ know, you could like… Work up to it…”

I’ve been steadily gaining weight this spring and I’m running out of excuses to explain what’s going on. I’m like “Damn, I somehow shrunk ALL of my clothes in the dryer, that’s crazy”

If there was a Hall of Fame for fumbling baddies, I’d have my name on a jersey in the rafters

“Jarvis, queue up some Jeff Buckley and send a text to every ex I’ve ever had”

Damn I am steadily gaining weight and I don’t know why. I wonder if it has anything to do with those donuts I’ve been eating for breakfast every day

“Hey sorry I can’t come in to work today, it’s just not the vibe”

My hips don’t lie. My hips only tell the truth. You’ll have to answer one of my hips’ riddles three if you want to cross the enchanted bridge

Every straight guy has had the thought like : “If it came down to it, I bet I could suck a mean one”

The Duffer Brothers are so funny to me and I don’t know why. They’re like: “Me and my bro cooked up some spooky shit for you guys” and I’m like: “Alright, I’ll bite”

My gut is a lot like the Strait of Hormuz, there’s a lot of conflict going on, I don’t exactly know what’s happening in there but I do know that it can’t be good for gas in the future

Every time I get dumped, one of my friends says “Well, at least you’ll get some material out of it!” You guys, I have SO much material. I’m good 👍🏻

What’s next, Aveeno moisturizers comes out with a new line of “masturbation lotions” ? Were good, we’ve already been using your products that way for years

Gillette is now making pubic hair razors, trying to cash in on the manscaping trend. I hate to break it to you Gillette, you don’t have to do that. As someone who has lived in a house with male roommates, your regular razors have been doing the job just fine

“How was the pool honey?” “It was good, but, jee whiz, some big old hogs in there tonight”

Huh, turns out the laundry room in my apartment building is a FreshSlice now

“One Battle After Another” sounds like my poops over the Christmas holidays

What has happened calorically these past few days can never happen again

The girl from that song Last Christmas: Does anyone want this heart? Some dude just gave it to me yesterday lol. You could just have it

I’m outside of my house in my car watching reels and burning through my data. It’s called self care

Girls be like “let’s keep things casual” and then tell you you have a beautiful soul