Paul Macken

I went to the book shop and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?” He said, “Of course. Which one?” I said, “William.”

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him...

Accordion to my calculations, I have a 50% chance of starting this sentence with a musical instrument and not having you notice...

Rang the incontinence hot line and they asked me to hold on...

There's no "i” in team but there are 5 in individual brilliance...

I've just been to the library, I said to the assistant, 'Any books on the Titanic?' She replied, 'Yes, loads'. I replied, 'Shame, they'll be ruined by now'...

My wife bet me $10 that I couldn't do a Butterfly impression.... I thought, that's got to be worth a little flutter…

My wife says I am in denial but I refuse to believe it...

I'm a bit like Thor. I can only fix things with a hammer...

Bloke at work told me he "forgot to eat lunch"...yeah right, like that's even possible...

There's a new guy who's just started at work called Wayne Bruce, and I said, "Ah my old nemesis ManBat" Nobody got it. Honestly I am wasted here...

Has anyone seen my atlas? It means the world to me…

I thought that training as an airport baggage handler would be fairly simple… But actually there's a lot to take on board!

Shout out to the people who are wondering what the opposite on “in” is…

I just bought an alcoholic ginger beer. He was not happy…

My wife has been putting glue all over my rifle collection... She's denying it, but I'm sticking to my guns...

Trying to break up with my optician girlfriend is hard. Every time I tell her I can’t see her anymore, she just moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”

I needed to disappear for a while so I stood in the street with a sign that said “Homeless, please help”…

I couldn't sleep last night , so I read the dictionary. By 3am I was past caring...

My literary skills is what enables me to conversate so well...