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Almost lost a battle tonight.
I had one of the hardest days I’ve had in a long time. On top of that, I had to grind through a 10-hour shift where I made a mistake.
A few days ago I got rocked with some news that’s seriously affecting my life, and the resolution isn’t going to be quick or easy.
As my shift was ending, that familiar voice in my head showed up out of nowhere.
“Numb it, man. I’m here. Let’s get some relief. You deserve it.”
For a second, I almost agreed.
When I clocked out, my mind was full of stress and chaos. Instead of going straight home, I drove around town for a bit. I needed a minute to decompress before walking in the door to my babies.
The whole time I battled like hell not to pull into a gas station and buy alcohol.
And I didn’t.
Because fuck that.
I played the tape forward. I know how that movie ends because I’ve watched it a thousand times.
Drink heavy. Black out within a couple hours. Pass out.
Wake up the next morning groggy as hell. Mind racing. Anxiety thundering through my chest. Trying to remember what I did the night before.
Did I text someone?
Post some dumb shit on social media?
Then spend the entire weekend drowning in shame, guilt, and self-hate. Walking on eggshells, uncomfortable in my own skin.
Fuck that movie.
That movie sucks.
And that’s not who I am anymore.
Tonight I won the battle.
I write about it because these are the battles I used to lose.
There was a time when a craving meant I was drinking.
I don’t deal with cravings very often, but when they come, they come fast.
These are the quiet wins that no one in my life really sees.
I used to chase validation from people around me. The difference now is I don’t need it.
The only validation I need tonight is knowing I didn’t give in.
My kids still get their dad.
Sober.
When I got home tonight, I hugged my baby boy. He has no idea about the battles I fight.
He also has no idea that he’s a huge reason I keep winning them.
26 wins in a row.
On to 27.
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